Floating.

I find myself diving into a pool of uncertainty. My muscles ache as my backstroke breaks into just a stroke and my arms collide with the side to find some relief. Sometimes floating is alright, it is a relief from the consant treading to keep yourself afloat from all the water that would drown you, but at least when your drowning you see more clearly. You trust the water enough to let it hold you, let it sit under you and take you upstream or downstream or wherever because you trust it. Trusting someone you just met isn't foolish, it's a risk. Sometimes you take risks to see the outcomes, other times you take risks because its a peep hole into what you can take. You were all I could take. I see it all to clearly still, I feel like I am drowning. I was just trusting the water again, learning to float, then you made a splash and drowned me.

You drowned me and didn't save me. I won't make that mistake again.

-M

Apt. 526

1. su fin es un nuevo comienzo
2. fine è un nuovo inizio
3. fin est un nouveau départ

Well here you go dear friends, three ways to say " An end is a new beginning." Maybe this will give you a fighting chance to not sound as cliche' as the other young adults who are constantly spatting out how new their lives have been compared to yours. Eh, or will just make you sound more intelligent, without all those school loan bills, wait I still have those. 

Today is the first full day in my new apartment. So far...pretty humdrum. Of course all I did was grocery shop and make some necessary moves to the furniture but I guess I needed to settle in before I can settle. This isn't my first time living on my own, but it is my first time living on my own in the state I grew up in,with people my own ageish' and of my own picking. So I guess there are aspects of it that will be fresh. It's funny how you breath in and breath out, and one day you wake with new ideas, new friends, and new socks that are dancing on new floors. I like that aspect of being twenty. No expectations going into this, just to have fun and pursue a happier place in myself that would hopefully make itself home. 

Whenever I make lofty moves, no pun intended, in my life I always feel her smiling at me. Not in a creepy, seancey', spiritual kind of way, more of a intuitive, rest-filled place. I know she would be overjoyed at where I am at, who I am, and who I wanna be. I miss hearing it though. Sometimes I know that just the sound of her voice would put my mind at ease about life, but I think I have to face the fear either way. 

I am excited to face my face with new walls surrounding it with new sounds filling it and new love wrapping it, so to that; Cheers! To an End that is a New beginning, and to many more. 

-M

Facade.

Lately, I have been staring longer into my sphere shaped mirror contemplating my unhappiness while memories of happier times flood my brain waves. I remember vividly being a child and so desperately seeking acceptance. I can almost see myself building up defenses when I was hurt, or surprised or frankly misunderstood. When I was in middle school my youth group would go to these retreats in panama city beach every year. I remember feeling completely understood and happy, but most of all, innocent. My mom had cancer but was not nearly as bad for me to even a shed a tear in her behalf. My mom's death changed me for the better, but being able to unveil that in its entirety will take time and hope, which neither are truly on my side lately. I wish I could pocket those feelings I felt in panama city, surrounded by burned, God-fearing kids, just trying to figure out for themselves what following God looks like, with no other outside distractions severely getting in their ways. I don't know if these feelings are side affects of those facades I developed over time, but I can say that they become overwhelming to the point of paralyzation. Maybe I will look back on this post and think, "Woah, I am glad I walked through that,"but no matter how separated I will get from it, I will still feel the scaring it caused me.

-M 

Nothing Places.

I swing on the back porch swing, with the cold autumn breeze circling around me like a whirlpool catching the leaves as I accelerate while I crunch them as they swirl closer to me,then the chains lock above me, and I am still once again. I intended to catch up on some reading and enjoy some fresh autumn air while doing it, however the air had something else in it for me than that. I reached an understanding with myself in regards to my happiness. Lately I feel more quick to anger and slow to understanding, and well happiness can't keep up with either. Happiness is a choice they say, and i believe them, but when I feel like I have to discipline my self to be happy, thats when I buy a ticket to a foreign land and pretend like I enjoy being lonely. It always starts in my head, travels downstream and lands in  the heart which builds up ,from the damns I have made in the past, so then it proceeds to my chest and sits there, rather rests there. My reservoirs aren't as empty as they used to be so the build up tends to be heavier these days, I guess I haven't opened them up as much as I have built new ones. It's hard when I get in those places. It is a mix between mental paralyzation and emotional merry-go-round. the waters drain as they please, but that seems to be taking more and more time lately, maybe it's global warming of the heart, minus the warming.

I sit silently with discretion to minimize the demise of my mind but the weight left too much of a mark for a quick recovery. I don't know how they start, where they empty out into or how to prevent them, but the walls I put up don't hold them down, so for now I will invest in a safety vest and wish for the best. I am tired of these nothing places that start becoming something places. I feel like they are relentless murmurs reminding me of all the unforgiveness I have or the pain that hasn't been looked over yet. I need to learn how to hold my breath longer and none of this would be a problem.

-M

Perks.

The smiths: Asleep.

Enjoy and try not to fall asleep. HA. Had too.

-M

Grief.

-M

Back and Forth.

I couldn't handle the back and forth.

I am sorry I am not sorry,
That is ultimately what you would say to me, Man up and stand next to your words, you opinions, not behind them. Your a coward to your thoughts and a fool to your mind, but only cause' you let yourself.

Not many people can see you the way I did.
You gave that up the day we required being fought for, so you laid down your sword and decided picking daises in the valley sounded safer... No Shit it is safer, but you gave up a life with me, more than that, with yourself and for that I am sad for you and mad at you.

Maybe you will never clean your eyes from all the lies your momma told you, but if you don't you won't be able to see the big picture, the picture you could have painted for yourself, you do that so nicely.

But if you don't all that will be let is an empty frame, with holes carved from nails that were sacrificed but saved for a rainy day.

I couldn't handle the back and forth, so I stopped going back.

-M

Barrels.

I used to sit by the stairs and listen to you play, just to here a familiar melody coming from a familiar face. I never meant any harm when I would hit the alarm just to see your face narrow and your eyes widen from the shock of unfamiliar sounds, but honestly it would scare me first anyways. The sunlight peers from your windowsill while we corroborate about adventures not yet taken and food not yet tasted, you always loved trying new things. Our laughs were synced by the passion streaming inside our veins and humor was in everything it seemed. I would isolate myself to save the trouble of explaining why I truly can't add up, but you would always followed me into those desolate places where much wasn't let in but I let many things out. You loved me tenderly and held me tightly while leaving space for the things unseen but they were felt regularly.Your glasses were thick just like your fist and your heart was soft for me but solid in times of my need.

-M

EastBAY.

Can't find jewels like these at a cheap price, and I couldn't begin to ask for a bargain.
I drove through hills and up hills and around hills, but never could find their names.
I saw tree lines and tree stumps and tree seats, but I never could find their roots.
Fog rushes around me like traffic on a friday evening and horns sound from eager drivers and fear-filled city men that then become aware of the sightless views in front of them.
This city where bridges never end and where hills always descend into segregated neighborhoods or districts I should say, that lead into bays of water and recyclable waste is where the lost ones go to find a their own.
People always say that City's never sleep, well, this one does well into 10:30AM and thats when the coffee shops begin to wake with their lines wrapped around their bay windows and bikers retreat to organic, locally owned breakfast nooks to rest before heading on their way to the hills for their daily ride.

The climate varies from foggy to soggy to sunny but the water crashes onto cliffs of rock that align the coast with  heated hearts and goose bumps from the crisp breeze. I was always one to look for bargains but this was a treasure I found that came at no cost, so I'll settle my bets and one day will head back left to where the bay awaits for my requests.


-M

Diamonds in hammocks.

I walked across this water that you used to sail upon hoping that you would see, and maybe believe, but  all I saw were ghosts that were screaming for more than what the present served.
I could be mistaken but being mistaken sounds better than being afraid or robbed so I will settle my bets and head back east where the water isn't so rough. I let you rob me of my sleep and enter into my dreams because as much as I don't want to make your house a home, I end up reorganizing mine to find room for you. The steeple is our barrier between was is real and what is make believe, but we always loved Harry Potter so why can't we just have a temporary fix to ease this ache that echoes through halls of books written without words because we don't need to read them to understand them. Maybe I do love you, my friend said once that to be able to love, one must show, just like an infant trying to walk.

With charged touch and oval sighs , I walk behind you as a precaution to our electric hands might collide and send shock waves though our audience, but then again who gives a shit. Maybe all our jewels are stored up in heaven but sitting with you in that hammock felt like a diamond in the rough.

-M

Stage Fright.

I quiver with each release my body makes when I splash a smile on someone else's face or grab the attention of the person I am seeking for, while applauding others to seek applause, but hearing nothing but my squeaky core, cleaning up from another late-night, messy performance.

It always starts with a "Hello," and ends with a " Wait! Have I done everything right? Do you think I am funny? What about cute? Good. I have done my job right." 

Insecurities play with the secured and unsecured and prey on the most able and fit.  This turns simple into fatal. I fear waking up and not being enough. I fear that God's love won't be enough for me at the end of day, and that when someone wants to love me, I won't be able too, because I would feel like I  don't deserve it. 

I let people exhaust me and if I don't have enough energy to satisfy my friends I will isolate and hide away and until my strength is regained. "I am enough, " he says. I am beloved and when I am down, he  can handle it, my friends can handle and my family can. I am fighting everyday for my freedom in security. For the truth of who I am. And for the freedom of love and trust. Life is hard, God's life for us is simple, in his arms that is. 

Your beloved, remember that mates.

-M

Rest stops.

One moment I feel the excitement of living across the county can bring, the next I want to be settled in, with kids and a dog, feeling satisfied with myself and with my life.
I think the on and off sensation, of one extreme to next, is built up from the undeniable sense of trying to relate myself and see myself as someone in the world.
But I have to be reminded that as many times as I stumble into nonsense and question my motives in things, that at the end of the tunnel, there is God; smiling, nodding and kindly whispering " I know you, but do you know me enough to know yourself?"
Adventure is a symptom of passion.
Its okay to change our minds and run to the left and then after a long journey decide to go the right.
Thats what rest stops are for right?
***
God is finding ways to push me back into him, I feel pursued, I feel comforted by that, and I catch myself thinking more often of ways to make him the center of my day rather than a part.
I compartmentalize like Ikea does with their stores except I don't get the motivation to put it all together myself. I know I am not alone in this, but I know I can't change by myself. God is so faithful and he continues to prove that to me. Help me lord to take captive my thoughts, and strive for truth, your truth.

-M

365 Days.

" I am not a careless god. When I allow difficulties to come into your life, I equip you fully to handle them. Relax in my presence , trusting in my strength."
- Jesus calling, Sarah Young.


As I am venturing out on my own( again) and learning how to follow my own lead rather than the lead that makes sense to me since I was child, I am starting to find a rhythm all my own. I find myself making dinner with ease and being alone, rejuvenating. The more I shift through things and choices that sound good to me and that I have never tried, the more I find God in everything I choose. I find freedom in fear and satisfaction in loneliness because I know he is good. He knows me more than anyone and he is proving that through old lady's and paddle boarding. I pray that as I continue this route that he will start to mold me and that through the pain, I will choose him every time.

-M

Lately.

Transition: movement, passage, or change from one position, state,stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change: the transition from adolescence to adulthood.

Time-bombs.

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am


- The Fray


I have these times where I am going about my life laughing, staring longingly at the TV thinking about what is next on my agenda, knowing all along that I am in control of my emotional spills and drops. But what I didn't calculate in was that I gave that up 5 years ago when I lost the only thing that kept me going about my day laughing. 

 Tonight I had a spoonful of one of my favorite suspenseful, mid-week, shows called Criminal Minds. It had all my favorite details; the emotional attachments, the blood, the suspenseful climax, and the happy ending, but what I didn't expect was the song that was played during the last scene. It somehow pulled apart all the straightening I had done in the last year and all that was left were tear stained hands and a broken heart. I don't remember my mom as much as i used too, so when I hear a song that makes me think of her, it unfortunately breaks my heart. 
So I cried, then I replayed the song to cry some more, then I stopped because I had to get up to get a tissue. There is no right or no wrong, but to know that at a split second a song can pull me out of this realistic, never ending, day by day stance can be quite alarming. Now what this means no one can know, but what it means to me is that no matter where I go, no matter what I do, know matter who I become, My mom is more than the maker of my DNA, she is a part of me, a surprising time-bomb that explodes at the most insincere moments during the most mundane times and is buried beneath all the hard days work, ready to welcome me home. 
When I am still I know I am with you.
-M

Mundane Mondays.

He will perfect the things that concern me. 

Psalm 138:8.

Promise made.

Promise accepted. 

Concerns are big, God is bigger.

-M

Easy as Mac.

This past year has felt like a hot air balloon ride, climbing heights of fear and flying through air of uncertainty.

I left friendships that were fruitful and I gained awareness of love that was dormant and now is alive and settled. One moment I was sitting in my dorm slurping my midnight snack of easy mac and contemplating whether or not I should finish tomorrow's homework assignments, the next moment I am writing in a house, once visited for shorter visits and for different reasons, crying myself to sleep, but really crying so I can make sense of all this life I have lived. When I was little I thought school, friendships, houses were as easy to acquire as a warm bowl of easy mac, society told me that as long as I believed it could happen, it would. Well society double crossed me, and left out all the difficulties I would have to face to get there.  There are instances when I let myself think, " Would I have been okay to stay at Lee and finish school?" But the reality of the question sets in and I defend myself with saying " No." The truth is that I will never know and never knowing is okay with me, because we make decisions for ourselves based on the currents circumstances and whether or not that was the best decision, it was one I made for myself and I will prosper and grow and live out the best of that decision as I can, to make a life that is still dreamt in day dreams and read in fictional, New York Time's bestseller novels. 

Leaving Lee has brought so many good things my way; my sister, lucy, california, self restoration, and a deep sense of God's love that I knew existed but never could let myself feel. I am proud of the person I have become, that I have fought for, and deciding to go to california and find more of myself there seems like the best decision considering the circumstances. I trust God and I trust family, now let me trust myself.

-M

Smudges.

I could tell you all my secrets,
I could put you in them too,
Because this heart has many sidewalks that I like to trail through.
All these signs I come across,
never seem to phase me too,
Because  I look at them and wonder if your seeing them too.

I mark the spots that make still,
while kicking the rocks that hurts our heels,
Because I walk on the sides of my feet and I tend to fall into feel.
I will hike these many side streets,
to alert my sense of direction,
in case there is any middle ground with this that we could surrender too.

I have smelt the spring air,
and let the pollen fall into my hair,
Because if I couldn't be aware of the grounds I walk upon, then I might as well not care.
I have carried all this with me,
to insure we could grow our own,
Because to me all these smudges,
were once a picture of home.

-M

Sand.

Time is of the essence when time is nothing but a blink of an eye, or a flick of a wrist, or a dance of the twist. 

Somtimes I cry in Front of mirrors in the hope of conFronting the truth behind those tired eyes. 

Shots were fired and struck me like a bird in the middle of hunting season, except I limped to safer ground, to a shelter I made for myself when I lost control of who I let in my life, because I was no longer aloud to choose but aloud to except.

So I limped; quietly, painfully, and quickly. 

I sought cover in the lowest of valleys and looked for help in the wildest of animals but nothing and no where could hide me or heal me. 

Day by Day I seek the day with hesitation and caution, while letting the night swell over me like a piece of rubbish in the pacific. There's no comfort in the changing winds, there's no warmth in the sunrises, and I float along being aware of my clipped side and letting the world speak for me. 

Is it the voices around me that sink me? Or the crashing of the waves that piece me?

Questions are settled and peace is brought upon me but still my mind raises above the heavens and soars above his knowledge above his answers and above is power.

Maybe I have forgotten that I am just a grain of sand; powerless, replaceable and restless in the wind.

I awaken with the forgotten hope of yesterday and shake off the truth of today with a punch of insecurity as the blood rushes from my heart to my mind I make a decision to fight him rather than listen to him.

I have never been good at long distance so I place with the others, not realizing that he created the others and lives above the others, in order to help me re-categorize him because he isn' the same. 

-M

I cry in front of mirrors.

I didn’t know I put you there.

Maybe that’s why every time I look for you somewhere else I can’t find you.

And everytime I hear her name I wanna reclaim you, but theres nothing to reclaim but my own awareness.

I couldn’t begin to try to go back and rearrange you because I am not too good at my own interior design, better yet yours.

The more angry I get at you, the more excuses I make for us, for what we had, for what we didn’t’ have and for what we will never have.

But here  I am, with you there, and as much distance there is, I can’t seem to separate you from my thoughts, and I don’t know if I want too.

And maybe that’s going to hurt me, maybe that’s going to cause me to evict you from there, but I went there and put you there and I don’t want to get rid of you.

So I will listen to her name and I will hear about your smiles and maybe one day I will be the one making you smile, but as long as your smiling, I will smile and I will find someone to smile with.

Just know I did put you there, I put you there first. 

-M

Passion.

" The Heart has her reasons about which the Mind knows nothing,"

-Blaise Pascal.

-M

Pangea.

I follow white fences hoping to find the home where you lay down your effortless head,
White circling the ,moon with the tip of my thumb knowing your staring at the same night.
This may be a second or maybe a year but life has it's moments of listening ears, so follow my heart, it'll be safe in its home, I made a pallet for you, there will be no sleeping alone.
I left the light on there so you wouldn't lose your way, look for the small door in the corner,with no open sign just a knob, on one side, but don' let your curiosity kill my cat because once your glanced there might be no going back.

I wish you knew my thoughts there circling around and with every breath I feel unfound, the funny thing is you look right at me, and my heart turns to dusk just from your eyes blinking like lighting in these starry night skies.

***

Ideas swirl round like inner tubes connecting improved floats on my brain waves, getting busted and torn up while entering my heart and I try to save them.
I want him to know me, not assume me, not guess me, know me.
My heart gets in the way because my habit of knowing is not true, knowledge is something I achieve at not reveal at and I can't help but make excuses for my bad habits because thats in my nature.
I need to take a step back and look and feel and learn, but isn't that what I have been doing? Haven't I known all along that it would come to this and that the small pieces of crust you cut off when I was just a little girl were to protect, to nurture, to prevent?
These waves only increase over time and before any of us know anything anymore they will be covering landscapes created years ago when pangea was still in effect and you had to raise animals not beat them.
Time to time to time we walk along paths that gave a little more obedience and a little less doubt, where does that leave us, where does any of this leave us.
Unsettled, inpatient, and alone.
So pick up your crumbs my friends and follow me into the promise land.
-M

Yield.

We booked our souls another flight
 to a land thats foreign to much of sight.
We lingered far from our connection,
 to find what else we can add to our collections,
but what was found was more neglections  and sought after seats that had already been selected.

I read more magazines while you escaped in your music,
while we sat parallel like strangers
 looking through heads tracing their lines and hoping ours would aline.
I scooted to the loo looking for signs of relief in your eyes,
 but they were as lost as the pilot's sinking into the sky.

I yielded once I won't do it again, you must wait for now
while my heart pumps its breaks,
 it's engine gives way for unforeseen kick-jumps,
 that might come its way.

I yielded once I won't do it again, so why don't you drive on and leave me at bay.
I'll put it in neutral so you won't misunderstand,
 but darling its my right-of-way
so yield once in your span and see what kind of man you once had planned.

-M

warm to cool.

Blue looks gray,
Green looks blue,
Black looks bright and neutral too.

Red looks pink,
yellow looks white,
Brown looks dirty as I walk upon the night.

I never knew colors could compliment you as much as I do.
Or do I color you in to cover your blank spots,
so that my eye can't miss your rainbow of light?

I hang on words once said by you,
while hanging cloths that would be worn by you,
and singing songs that I could write about you...

I am not obsessive this I know,
but I am skill-less in this.
So how can I learn if your not willing to first,
cause' love is a skill that needs brightening up,
So color me blind if you don't mind.

-M

Bows.

The more and more I attempt to resolve my thoughts, the more and more I begin to resolve that I don't need resolving. People come, people go and what I get out of it, is my own doing. I try to tie bows around my lost friendships and lost  interactions but truly I may never know what went wrong, or why I didn't hold on. In the future I might look back on my past self and think " Wow I get it," or I may never look back. Uncertainty has flown around me like a summer bee but I never swat it, because its in its nature to always come back and sting me where it hurts. I know my friends, I know my family, and I continue to know my God, that should be enough right now and the rest will fly away like the fair-weather friend it is. To sink back into the whys? and anger would only be hurtful to me, no one else but me. I believe that the things that need resolving will come show its face again, if needed, and then I will face it with the strength  and wisdom I have at that time, and the others will be laid to rest.
-M

Pause.

On most occasions I look at myself with disgust and disappointment knowing that the vivid truths that linger inside my heart were not acted out the way I desire them to be. God has always been there in every act of sin he rests there like a baby bird trusting his mother will bring food to the nest. Even through my deepest, dirtiest thoughts he sits and waits for an invitation to come and walk with me through the dim lighted rooms and listen to my cry of despair from the blinding lies I have listened too from the worlds lips. He never questions my motives but instead brings compassion to the core of my being and delivers my mistrust with wisdom and fearless love knowing that my mind is in a temporary state. "Wholeness is brokenness owned and thereby healed," he speaks over me while I pace through my thoughts hoping to adhere my pain and make it be acceptable for the actions I display. He grows me in the night, while I settle down to my place of rest he leads me back into the regions that I have made difficult for entry and so he teleports me instead and shows the bygone thoughts I said adieu too so that I could pilgrimage forward into new land. He doesn't forget much like my imperfect mind though and shows me that moving forward must mean turning back to unfertilized grounds to help root the past with present thus paving the future for my desirable life, the life God gave me freely, so I can choose to love  and fight for his truth in everything I do not forgetting that I am abba's child, and I am loved.


Lately I have really let God show me his truth in my life and let his love wash over me and make me new. I daily ask the hard questions to God about my pain, about my loss and about my misdirection, but he continues to grow me through that despite my doubts, despite my anger, and despite my weakness. He asks me to listen, so I pause and wait for his glory and direction to reign over my night and over my day.
-Beloved
-M

sundays.

-M

Hermit.

This morning I sat down to read out of a book that was suggested to me by my therapist a few weeks ago.
Slowly I have let its full bearded claws dig into my groomed soul and really do the work needed to me by God.
Many things in this book have paralleled my current being and have regurgitated thoughts that before I read them was not aware of their existence.
This morning in particular though I read a story that rang true to my heart and I would like to share it with you...
"There was a harried executive who went to the desert father and complained about his frustration in prayer, his flawed virtue, and his failed relationships. The hermit listened closely to his visitors rehearsal of the struggle and disappointments in trying to lead a christian life. He then went into the dark recesses of his cave and came out with a basin and a pitcher of water.
""Now watch the water as I pour in into the basin,"" the hermit says. The water splashed on the bottom and against the sides of the container. It was agitated and turbulent. At first the stirred-up water swirled around the inside of the basin; then it gradually began to settle, until finally the small fast ripples evolved into larger swells that oscillated back and forth. Eventually, the surface became so smooth that the visitor could see  his face reflected in the placid water. "" That is the way it is when you live constantly in the midst of others,"" said the hermit. "" You do not see yourself as you really are because of all the confusion and disturbance. You fail to recognize the divine presence in your life and the consciousness of your belovedness slowly fades."" - Abba's Child by Brennan Manning.

So much of my time is spent conversing and analyzing my walk with God, and trying to understand his ways. Which is something he wants us to live out but I have been going about it all wrong. We are made for relationships, but without really knowing my own belovedness how can I touch the sacredness of others? Simply resting in the solitude of silence can bring that truth and that deep sense of belonging that so many of us stray away from because we think that it must be more complex than what is spoken to us simply in the word of God. Finding my Identity in God is something I have always strived to accomplish but its really about walking with God in everything I do and that is where I will find his identity and with that I will find mine. Gods love is simple, don't let the ways of the world let you think anything different loves.

-M

Clouds.

The sun breaks the darkness so the clouds can shift into another space and haunt the sky with its shattering effect of loneliness, the lights not predictable nor the darkness but If it was then there would be unnecessary amount of control that doesn't exist for any one.  There is silence wrapping our ears and eyes, its the same sound that found me and saved me from myself, so I follow it to its cavity and look at the earth as if there is no living existence, like silence was before sound, and truth before lies.

-M

Spin me around to just pin me down...

I wish control wasn't such a benefactor in happiness for me. 

I try so hard to expect the unexpected but something always spins me round and then runs away like the coward it is, and I am left finding my footing again and wondering what happened. 

Letting go would be inconceivable so I am left to cook up some coping with a store bought side of doubt. 

But the truth is I just want to be known, I feel thats what anybody wants sometimes, I spin myself around to find my OWN footing and all God really wants from me right now is to rest in him, he just wants to pin me down.

I feel my stomach drop like a penny off of the empire state building when I hear those certain songs that prick my perpetually healing flesh, I have no control in the matter. My thoughts let me down every time I hear these strung out sounds and in a flash I am back in the 4 bedroom house with strangers from my own blood and sighs a mile high with no outer space for them to float upon. I guess our thoughts lead us back into dark spaces to remind us of the journey, I just wish mine would send a warning flare before launch. 

-M

Turkey.

 Now that all the cooked thanksgiving turkeys are gobbled away, I decided that I couldn't get enough of the bronze- feathered poultry bird, so I decided today that I am going turkey, cold turkey that is.
I started smoking cigarettes about 5 months ago in an effort to identify with my lost generation, however it somehow committed identity theft and stole my identity along the way.
Its true when people say that marijuana is a gateway drug. She doesn't invite you in to sample new drugs but mary jane has some friends that tend to hang around with her. So stick around long enough and you will meet them. I started smoking weed this summer to individualize myself from my family, well thats what I tell people when they find out, but truly I did it to ease the current transition going on in my life and find some outlet to hide from all my pain. Smoking weed started becoming a ritual for me, my friends and I would hangout, grab some food, smoke the bong then well do whatever seemed appetizing at the time. In moments of sobriety I would question myself but the triggers of life kept pushing me farther away from any solid truth and I let it. I thought it was a temporary high, no pun intended, and I knew that I would sober up from the idea but soon enough I would realize that only I can make the decision to stop and not depend on anyones help, because I wouldn't listen. Soon after I started buying my own weed I started smoking cigarettes, trust me I KNOW there is a HUGE difference, but the reality is, is that it still is an addiction no matter when or where or why you smoke them. I didn't take smoking them to seriously because I knew I could control my own intake of them. My reasoning was " I choose to buy the packs, I choose to smoke them or not," Seems pretty kosher right? Well that would have worked out nice if half of my friends didn't smoke them as well. I do tend to be swayed quite gracefully by peoples actions, and even though I am an adult and can make my own decisions, I still base mine of my friends and thats something I am working on. It took a scan of a young, drugged out, glimmering audience ,at a concert, to help me uncover the impostor I have let run my emotional and  spiritual life the last few years and I wanted out.

When I came back I decided that despite the loss I might experience with quitting smoking weed and cigarettes  I know the gain I will experience will be where I want to be and where God wants me to be. So friends as you read this I hope judgement or pity won't come upon your hearts but strength and courage will be superseded by those thoughts and prayer is always welcomed.

p.s today is the first day. one day at a time, one day at a time.

-M

NEW YEAR, TWO TATTOOS?

I have been wanting one for awhile now as many as you know, and my motivation mixed with my urge has increased in the last 24 hours, you may be seeing some colored skin in the next week =)

-M

Aftermaths

The aftermath of this year has lead me to many different places.

different address, different hairstyle, different family, different job, different plans.
Considering there is 365 days in a year pretty much sums up the reasoning behind all these changes, but I, personally, beg to differ.

There are spaces in time where my emotions stretch deeper than the pacific and no matter how long I swim I can never reach the surface. I figured it was some new grief I had to deal with now due to all the new change, but the more and more it happened,it  led me to believe that these certain spaces aren't new at all, but very very very old. Sometimes I would send a S.O.S out to the nearest person, or I train myself to hold my breath, either way I still sink down very quickly and not so quietly. I think the longer you let things stack up the steeper they fall, well of course thats what happens, its pure physics, but what I am getting at is no matter the years that have passed, when I feel the sudden aftermaths I still feel like it was just yesterday when all this chaos unfolded. This year hasn't been full of many surprises, honestly, but it has moved a lot quicker than I would have liked it too. On second thought, I like the way 2012 sounds and besides I think I only have about a year left before the world ends, so I better get to writing ha ha.
Cheers to new adventures, unforeseen love, and more lessons learned, hopefully a little more graceful.

-M