Shoot.

I made this. Yup, I accomplished a wanna- be "weheartit" picture.

Now if only the owner had the chance to feel the pulse. 

It was a journal I made for him, with all the heavy words I wrote about him.

I thought if I kept projecting my heart in public, it would convince my heart more, I would make more sense of it via words.

But it didn't. And I ended up with heart on the floor and journal in hand.

-M

Take a bow 'cause you played your heart out
And take your time with working the rest out
And try and stay out of your head
I have seen you invent the damnedest things there

Oh, so what?
Maybe she could not really ever see you through herself
What does that change about you or her?
Try and stay out of your head
I have seen you invent the damnedest things there


From the speed of light you've had with her
Maybe down the road I'll see you in a blur
See you in a blur

Don't lean back, my friend
There's not much there that will push you on
Use your stride, slow
And break it up over time

And try and stay out of your head
I have seen you invent the damnedest things there
Try and stay out of your head
I have seen you invent the damnedest things there

Take a bow

- greg laswell.

Projecting.

Since I could remember I was of the insecure nature, yet what girl on the face of planet earth isn't? I never saw myself worthy of attention, worthy of love, or worthy of friends. So I padlocked my heart and put up one-way mirrors so people thought they were seeing me, but really I was Jedi-mind tricking them into believing that. I put up my Berlin Wall to separate mind from heart, there was no communicating done between the two.

I wish I had recognized the construction earlier. 

I am a broken mess. I fear more than the average white, american, 19 old girl.

I dream harder than a 20 year old on heroine and I hold my breath in an effort for death.

I am scared of the future. CORRECTION, I am scared of living in the future, if the present is this disturbing. I walk around projecting my stuff onto everyone else, in effort to find peace but instead I find more brokenness in effort to heal mine. 

Like now, even though I only have one faithful follower, Ahem... I still need to project my pain out there. Hoping that someone has some knowledge of why life feels so empty and useless.

I need to find my peace, find my heart and stare straight at it and say " Stop musing around with foolish feelings."

I now see why people do drugs.

-M

Contemplation.

Well mates, my blog won't be an love-letter anymore, the mail box got stolen and misplaced, and I am de-activating my FB.

I can't begin to explain the spiral my mind ventures when given 3 exits but no highway. I am a gypsy when life seems hard and a native when life comes easy, and I LOVE traveling, especially in the music realm.

Recently, I found myself in the midst of a begin-life brokenness, and when I mean broken, I meant shattered.

No. Not about a boy. No. Not because of friends. 

Yes. God hacked my ever-so-safe software and beat my system. 

So what now? I got the Boy out of the way, I look outside of myself more, and the clarity I find in even the minuscule of situations is unheard of.

Run, Sprint, fly... towards God.

I feel, I sense, and I know thats what I need to do.

Yet trust is a heavy word, and I haven't been doing my weights. 

God is safe, God is safe, God is safe.

But I must have the wrong definition of safe because so far, my life has been the farthest thing from safe, I love running.

But I guess God isn't safe but he is good.

-M

MUMF+EDWARDSHARPE= Relief.

In LA with my family, well what I consider family, at least in times like these.

Finding relief in friends, is unexceptable, at least to God... that is what I am learning. 

So I will turn to him, with broken knees and bleeding eyes and melt into the music tonight,

Because music says the things we can't, when the heart has a broken back.

-M

Heart Logic.

HA!
Tricked ya.
Because any reckless, open-hearted, over-analyzer KNOWS that heart has no logic, Well not sub consciously anyways.
So what one must do to acquire it you ask?
NADA. If you trust God with your heart than thats all the logic you need, ha ha.
I mean I believe that, I do, I do, But most the time, lately its been Molly making decisions, not God.
Not by choice. I might not see eye-to-eye with God but I have never stopped searching, never stopped digging, so why does every choice I have made consisted of me, back peddling on a path that is not mine to begin with, while wearing soggy clothes.
I dont know, I can't begin to start naming God's "logic". But God is Good, Which makes his creations Good, and since I am his creation, I will be okay, say it with me now " I WILL BE OKAY," But when my dad asks me when my heart will be ready for change, I say " I don't know."
Because I don't. I know that my dad re-marrying is the most bittersweet pill I have ever been given, and I get sick alot.
My friend Marcus couldn't have sang it more sweetly,
And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no"
Yes, my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"
- Mumford & Sons

I wish I could match my words with my heart, but I can't and love is tricky, and my love is dwindling and spinning with new colors and new directions, and the tickets for admission are expensive.


-M

Long Live Love.

-M

10.

-M

LUCY.

-M

An Abyss Of Brokenness.

Looking in the faces of my past, I swear.
Not to draw attention too the fact I am 19 but to draw a picture of my present.
I can't live like this, nor was I created too, but why must you paralyze me to show your face,
because my repair is far beyond a 3 day wait period and I am rusting.
God: 1, Molly: 0.

My mom's heart was an Abyss of love and undertstanding, that no one can fill, or no Soy vanilla latte can satisfy, So explain this one, then when you break my legs, break my heart to God, so I at least can't feel, please. I have given it a fair fight and a strong mind, so here I AM. Broken, Unfixable, Stranded on a island with one Exit and it clogged with my fears.
-M

Blood Music.

 

-M

Blood Friends.

-M

Month.

-M

60.

Today would be my mom’s 60^th birthday, but its not. I don’t know if I was more upset at the fact I forgot about her birthday or that its happening. The past celebrations, christmas, easter, birthdays, I have all recognized and mentally prepped myself for whatever amount of pain wants to come my way. I forgot this one. I was meddling in the music building with my friend Marisa when I saw it. I was staring April 5^th straight in the face and it still took  ,at least,  10 seconds to recognize the significance in it. I couldn’t believe it, “of course,” I quietly whispered to myself, so I thought. My friend Marisa quizzically staring at me said “ What are you saying? Whats of course?” “Well," I said  "Its my mom’s birthday tomorrow.” Marisa being the assertive soul she is quickly translated that into a awkward, sad occasion where she felt the need to give hug, or at least a frown, which was nice. I can’t feel much of anything anymore. My knees are weak and my head decided to take a hiatus, which I guess is appropriate considering I haven’t been working it much, my heart has been taking most shifts these days. I seem as though I have been playing a nice game of operation on myself but all I am getting is the zapping. I need someone to hit me, or love me, or leave me. I have love in the form of a boy, and I have pain in the form of unworthiness and I have abandonment in the form of death. So I guess I need to take one for the team and breath.

Love You Mom, You always Are my Dancing Queen.

-M

Dream.

-M