Stage Fright.

I quiver with each release my body makes when I splash a smile on someone else's face or grab the attention of the person I am seeking for, while applauding others to seek applause, but hearing nothing but my squeaky core, cleaning up from another late-night, messy performance.

It always starts with a "Hello," and ends with a " Wait! Have I done everything right? Do you think I am funny? What about cute? Good. I have done my job right." 

Insecurities play with the secured and unsecured and prey on the most able and fit.  This turns simple into fatal. I fear waking up and not being enough. I fear that God's love won't be enough for me at the end of day, and that when someone wants to love me, I won't be able too, because I would feel like I  don't deserve it. 

I let people exhaust me and if I don't have enough energy to satisfy my friends I will isolate and hide away and until my strength is regained. "I am enough, " he says. I am beloved and when I am down, he  can handle it, my friends can handle and my family can. I am fighting everyday for my freedom in security. For the truth of who I am. And for the freedom of love and trust. Life is hard, God's life for us is simple, in his arms that is. 

Your beloved, remember that mates.

-M

Rest stops.

One moment I feel the excitement of living across the county can bring, the next I want to be settled in, with kids and a dog, feeling satisfied with myself and with my life.
I think the on and off sensation, of one extreme to next, is built up from the undeniable sense of trying to relate myself and see myself as someone in the world.
But I have to be reminded that as many times as I stumble into nonsense and question my motives in things, that at the end of the tunnel, there is God; smiling, nodding and kindly whispering " I know you, but do you know me enough to know yourself?"
Adventure is a symptom of passion.
Its okay to change our minds and run to the left and then after a long journey decide to go the right.
Thats what rest stops are for right?
***
God is finding ways to push me back into him, I feel pursued, I feel comforted by that, and I catch myself thinking more often of ways to make him the center of my day rather than a part.
I compartmentalize like Ikea does with their stores except I don't get the motivation to put it all together myself. I know I am not alone in this, but I know I can't change by myself. God is so faithful and he continues to prove that to me. Help me lord to take captive my thoughts, and strive for truth, your truth.

-M