Apt. 526

1. su fin es un nuevo comienzo
2. fine è un nuovo inizio
3. fin est un nouveau départ

Well here you go dear friends, three ways to say " An end is a new beginning." Maybe this will give you a fighting chance to not sound as cliche' as the other young adults who are constantly spatting out how new their lives have been compared to yours. Eh, or will just make you sound more intelligent, without all those school loan bills, wait I still have those. 

Today is the first full day in my new apartment. So far...pretty humdrum. Of course all I did was grocery shop and make some necessary moves to the furniture but I guess I needed to settle in before I can settle. This isn't my first time living on my own, but it is my first time living on my own in the state I grew up in,with people my own ageish' and of my own picking. So I guess there are aspects of it that will be fresh. It's funny how you breath in and breath out, and one day you wake with new ideas, new friends, and new socks that are dancing on new floors. I like that aspect of being twenty. No expectations going into this, just to have fun and pursue a happier place in myself that would hopefully make itself home. 

Whenever I make lofty moves, no pun intended, in my life I always feel her smiling at me. Not in a creepy, seancey', spiritual kind of way, more of a intuitive, rest-filled place. I know she would be overjoyed at where I am at, who I am, and who I wanna be. I miss hearing it though. Sometimes I know that just the sound of her voice would put my mind at ease about life, but I think I have to face the fear either way. 

I am excited to face my face with new walls surrounding it with new sounds filling it and new love wrapping it, so to that; Cheers! To an End that is a New beginning, and to many more. 

-M

Facade.

Lately, I have been staring longer into my sphere shaped mirror contemplating my unhappiness while memories of happier times flood my brain waves. I remember vividly being a child and so desperately seeking acceptance. I can almost see myself building up defenses when I was hurt, or surprised or frankly misunderstood. When I was in middle school my youth group would go to these retreats in panama city beach every year. I remember feeling completely understood and happy, but most of all, innocent. My mom had cancer but was not nearly as bad for me to even a shed a tear in her behalf. My mom's death changed me for the better, but being able to unveil that in its entirety will take time and hope, which neither are truly on my side lately. I wish I could pocket those feelings I felt in panama city, surrounded by burned, God-fearing kids, just trying to figure out for themselves what following God looks like, with no other outside distractions severely getting in their ways. I don't know if these feelings are side affects of those facades I developed over time, but I can say that they become overwhelming to the point of paralyzation. Maybe I will look back on this post and think, "Woah, I am glad I walked through that,"but no matter how separated I will get from it, I will still feel the scaring it caused me.

-M