Sometimes...

i feel happy, it happens suddenly and at times I don't know how to embrace it.

Not knowing what I will be doing a year from now is terrifyingly free, and when these moments of happiness come along I realize that no matter where I am, as long as I feel this way ( most the time) then I can survive anything. 

-M

Rearview mirror.

My eyes they are forward while always looking back, checking for blind spots that I missed in the past.
My fingers they sweat while switching lanes on the freeway, as my radio blasts M83 midnight city wishing that these streets would exchange addresses, in a flash, with the true desires of places I would rather be.
Lights blink like my mistakes, before my eyes, as I steer and think of clean slates with hope-filled dreams, tweaking the air to a warmer state, I could have made snow balls with my tears that day.

If I keep looking back, there will be nothing to look forward too.

-M

Music.

When words wont do it, and friends can't relate, I turn to the sounds of life, riddled in words from another heart, like mine. The pattering of fingers on the keyboard and deep breaths with every crescendo brings forth another intimate setting in my head of other worlds combined, all there for one reason, to numb my heart and let my mind create a dream similar to many but so original to my eyes. Every drum hit, every cord strum brings more strength to a place that is untouched but is built up of glitter and glue while parachutes fall down on walkable waters from towers made of velcro.
-M

Impostor.

" To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.
- E.E. Cummings

I never used to fight myself the way I do now.
I will be towing away at my normal social interests when out of no where I hear his voice, his crawling words that penetrate more than my ears but my heart, and his slimy tactics to make me feel worthless even in the worthiest of situations, I will feel unfound, uncared for and out of touch, with myself, the world, and God. My voice and his used to become one, they had the same tone, same expectations, same exit signs, but when God pulled my thrifty, riddled heart out and brushed off the fingerprints from the world, he showed me the truth.
I used to believe that I was a problem, a pity hangout, a second option, and a unlovable girl. Its amazing what God's love can reveal.
I am still fighting, but I can't think of a better person to be, but myself in the lord.

-M

Laces.

I book the thoughts that reaapear cause' with every sip my brain dissapears,
Not one can see my deepest needs with walls that climb like my enemys,
and to the tower I must stay with laced up boots and stay awake from my dying moods,
So when the dusk dies must I magnify the tearing muscles that reside inside every thought I take to heal my life, As streaming rain covers my eyes, I think of times where I was circling fields to find the answers that many can not feel, I fake my breaths to keep on track from the storms that come with every attack, every heart attack.
 The exit signs light my path, he is making it easier to not consume my wrath.
H.O.P.E  he owns peoples escapes while trying to ease the earths uncheerful reighn.
I whisper in the night " why such an unpleasant life?"
He screams back "This isn't the only life you will live out in your time!"
Bring me to your house let me rest in your undying mess.
-M

nobody.

"And the tears come streaming down your faceWhen you lose something you can't replaceWhen you love someone but it goes to wasteCould it be worse?"-coldplay.
I have never felt this stanza more than in my life right now.The crescendos and piano solos bring ones soul from the soiled ground, up to the atmosphere of any state of mind, but even in the right moment with the right song and the right person I still feel completely alone and unsatisfied with myself and my tears are staining my thrift store finds and my hiccups wont stop.God might be the answer to my perpetual loneliness but I am starting to believe that my heart will never be whole, and maybe one day it will be full enough to makeshift a seal, but I am tired of fighting myself for it, I am tired of trying to fix it and I am tired of searching for someone to fix it. Fixing it isn't the solution, Living it is. But to answer your question, I don't think there is anything worse than a loss.-M

U-verse.

The beauty in words comes from the beauty in memories, which come from the beauty of love.
-M

Acorns.

As seasons flow like the inventory at my store, I still tend to doubt the stability in things, but that doesnt create me to not learn while filing away at the unwanted truths.

Things I have learned recently,

1. Even though I receive 50% off of the whole store of Gap, doesn't mean I should buy things that I most likely would not have purchased at full price. My clothing consumption has reached its limits.

2. No matter how much emergency' I drink to get rid of my ongoing cold, nothing will destroy it like quitting my cigarette smoking or taking a vacation from it. 

3. No matter if I give it my best when it comes to work, I should continue to stream the question " Is there a better way to do this," because sometimes there is, and that doesn't make a weak worker.

4. The feeling of wanting a boyfriend has taken over my free thinking, however knowing that only makes me want to work harder in therapy, so I can be a great girlfriend, friend, and one day mother.

5. The lack of healthy constant friendships in my life has made a big hole in my heart and I should never let obligations get in the way of spending time with the people I consider my best friends. No matter how much work goes into it, the result is what life should be about.

6. The running back and forth at work does not count as a workout and that my pant size has doubled in the last 6 months, its time for an intervention. 

7. That forgiveness isn't about letting the person off the hook for the wrong that was done to you, but giving up the hope of a better   or different yesterday and finding peace in that and in God.

So there you go readers, the seven searing truths. Thanks for listening, and as always go on going on. 

-M

Fear.

I am afraid to feel.
I am afraid to grow.
I am afraid to change.
I am afraid to look inside and understand why I can't let people love me.
I am afriad to forgive.
I am afraid to know my flaws, I am afraid to know myself.
I am afraid to heal.
I am afraid to think because my mind wanders into spaces that needs a flashlight and some rope and I have never been good at climbing and dark still makes me paralyzed.
I am afraid to be knowledgeable because with knowing comes responsibility and I like relaxing in the feelings of worthlessness because I don't get hurt there, because people don't take me seriously.
I hide behind my smile and superficial innocence and I don't know why.

My sensitive soul hasn't grown, its just taken too many crash tests and decided that not driving is the safest decision.

I don't know myself, than again who knows them-self truly all at once.
I know what people know of me, what God thinks of me, and what I don't want to be.
I think knowing what I don't want to be helps even out the confusion of who I am.
I want people to look at me and see the Wholeness, the healing work of God through time and see What beauty truly is and what it stands for.

I have not updated in a while because with words comes understanding and with that comes closure and I am afraid to lose the pain that I let label me, the guard I let protect me and the lies I let lead me.
I am deeply, desperately afraid of myself.
Of what lys ahead of me and the damage I will create in the future because fear brings security and I feel safest inside.

But it is a time to heal.
It is a time kneel.
And it is a time to feel.
I find myself straying from all good things because I don't want to see myself enjoy life because I never truly have.
There has been moments of serenity and moments of joy, but all those come from God and I am afraid to forgive him, because I feel thats me accepting that my moms death was okay, and I can't stray away from that, my heart doesn't know how and doesn't want too.
I know what needs to be done, how I need to act, how I need to love, and how I need to be loved, and how I need to show love, but knowing and feeling, as many know, come at a cost, and lately I having been broke and uninterested.
I pray that the gym visits I make will build strength in my heart as well as my legs and that the coffee I drink will awaken more than my mind but my soul.
Work is involved and I am a slow learner.
Hope is my good friend not my mindset, than again it is breast cancer awareness month, but I have no survival story to tell.
This is not a pity-fest my friends, it is just honesty, however my life does have a reason, its just hard to feel that when your not feeling much but the smoke that feels my lungs when I want to retreat.

I am afraid to let myself be happy because I know I am letting fear down.

-M

Night like these...

On nights like these I wish I was numb,
my eyes would fall back into my head,
 and my thoughts would float along.

On nights like these I can feel all my insides,
begging for a new capsule of life to carry them through the tides.
They pulse through heartache present,
 but sink in heartache past.

On nights like these I force my mind to teleport,
I think of past escapes and build forts,
to cushion me through this fall.

I can feel my heart stretching,
it warms up on nights like these,
hoping to hark all the trouble it went through,
and find justice in its fees.

I know not what triggers this uninvited guest,
but I know on nights like these,
I just want to be put to rest.

-M

Fix.

I crawled into bed, hoping to find that subconscious fix behind my eyes.

My head it hovers over scenary unknown of a utopia that I made when I was just 4 years old.

Color is rare, but spirits are high as I sore across these imaginary lines,

being no stranger to this free falling land, I let my heart whisper of it’s demands.

He listened and cryed alongside the hopeless stutter that speaks of a life much cluttered than others.

So he hovered along, scheming the snatching,

of a heart thats not one for catching.

 Just as he reached for the unattainable gift, my eyes started bouncing and my heart skipped a beat, which made my utopia all just a dream. 

-M

Shiver.

There are a few things that make me shiver. 

That make me breath deeper, think longer, and stare mindlessly. 

Recognizing blessings is hard most the time. 

You either think you deserve it, which takes the glory out of it, or you don't realize it at the time, that maybe just maybe its a good thing. 

Delayed realization makes me shiver. 

Its masked figure floats along my stream of subconsciousness and dives into depths that even my therapist can't dig her way into. 

Time heals many things, but only if your letting it. 

I was watching an old episode of "Keeping up with the Kardashians,"

Harass me as you will, but reality TV has a hold of me. 

The dad of the kardashians died back in 2003 from cancer, i believe, and it was a show dedicated to him.

At the end they showed a bunch of old videos from the family with the dad in it.

I broke.

I couldn't believe that this not so realistic show made me cry, dead dogs don't even make me cry, but something in this grabbed a hold of me and reflected the sadness that rests in my current living soul.

i didn't see there home videos, i saw mine. 

I saw every christmas I shared with my mom, every recital she consistently taped, and every smile she flashed as I made her proud. 

It sucks to lose someone you love so deeply but never really knew.

I don't let myself say that enough and the times I do it usually isn't the appropriate time and place.

But when is it ever pleasant to bring up your dead mom, it might as well be a mute subject, ha ha ha.

I feel her more in me lately then ever before. I see her when I am strong and relentless, and when I decide to take the high road in hurt rather than lash out.

I am thankful for the 15 years I had with her, I just wish I acted like it more in them. 

All good things will be eternal, and for that I can't wait to see her again. 

Love you mom, eternally.

-m

Dealing...

I have been dealt some hard cards lately, But, recently my luck has took a turn.

Lets just say I won't need my poker face anymore. =)

-M

" Excuse me, while my heart falls,"

I listen without ears and laugh without air,
My eyes are stuck in a deadlock stare.
As I whisper and weep of the last past scare,
My feet start clicking like a time bomb dare.

My fingers they lust over movements unknown,
while flexing there skin over keys that are toned.
Could this tired hand be close to the end,
of uncovering the truth about this color blind friend.

I am surrounded by light but there is clouds in the way,
So I bury my good fortune at the bottom of the bay.
The beating of drums resides in my chest
while the whizzing of wind puts my  good fortune to test.

I wish without wishes and pray without life,
yet I throw my pennies and close my eyes.
I looked straight at you, but all that I saw,
Was the heart that had fallen the night I cried my first tune.
-M

Here it goes again....

Listen, dance, Sing REPEAT.

Cause here it goes again...

-M

Wakeup.

-M

Lake water.

I flip through pages once turned and skim the words while leaving my teardrops on every page. The book of life can’t be unwritten but you can always start a new chapter. My heart sheds its new skin with every new season but there is always half that is left unrevoked and not leaving enough room for it to breath can lead to suffocation and then the never-ending reign of death.

  I am working on growing, well growing is working on me, I am also trying to peel back the useless pounds that linger on me like an afternoon smoke and stare at me in my daily morning routine of criticism which hopefully gains enough motivation to work out or maybe not go for my second brownie but it never makes its point.

A lot of times when I am on the phone with him I feel like I have to reassure him that even though I am slowly dying inside I am okay, because I still eat m vegetables and drink my water. We are back in the place of second priorities and blissful ignorance of my current state, because monitoring the issue is better than confronting it. I get it. I do. I am older, stronger, smarter and somewhat wiser so why would he give a second guess himself to whether I am all right.

Delayed grief is like jumping in a pot of boiling hot oil, why would anyone choose that? Or better than that, why would anyone understand that? Most the time I daydream about drowning in the lake behind my house and imagine the call he would get, the face he would make and the heartbeats that would skip due to the sudden emptiness. But then my favorite tune sprouts up from Pandora and I snap out of it in an instance, because this is temporary, but temporary has been 9 years of my life so it gets a little hopeless.  

I try to do right by the people I love and the passions that loiter inside me; I decided that I would take a pottery course along with a cooking class just for kicks. I am excited. Two things that bring so much joy and confidence to me have equal opportunity timing and I am not taking either for granted, because well who doesn’t love eating out of a bowl that you made with a gourmet soup that was prepared by YOU.  Ha ha   I have the time, why the hell not.  I continue to try and place exciting ventures in my path, so when the night turns dark blue my heart won’t as well. I think I have always needed something to look forward too, which isn’t a complete mental case but something that can get tiring, and I want to feel more content in the space I am in with the people I choose to be in there with which is slowly dwindling as the weeks pass but I guess it’s better to know what you don’t need than what you do.

Thankfulness is trying to come to dinner and I let it because I am blessed. So I pour it another glass of water and say cheers to future thoughts that care to share a meal. I decided to carefully start looking at the good in life and the good I can make in life.  I need that. I need to know I am not just a filled chair or a cute face. I am happy that I know myself this much at such a young age and knowing myself brings me to leave it as is and jump in the shower, and get ready for my evening event.        

-M              

-M

The"Outer" in space.

The words accumulate to sentences and then turn to statements, which form into questions that break the atmosphere and float aimlessly into space because being heard is different than being answered. You build and build then construct pieces of shatter proof glass around your delicate space and say " This time will be different. " Your expectations drop because we all will prolly' die before we can naturally, but most the time I feel like I already have and being pale can get old. My throat crackles with reminisces  of scenes I only used to watch on the TV and I seem to understand the characters more now, but I leave space for bloopers.

Space has left too much for me to love, its dared me to accept the unpredictable and played with me in my loneliness. I muster up excuses to hide from it but it still consumes me, crying out for more. It shimmies in the summer mornings like mucky lake water and screams at me like mother used to do. I let it make me mental and mad until I couldn't speak up anymore, so I leave more and it nods its head and continues on till it gets uneasy again then peers through my confused state and dips its paws in mine. The sun brings rest to my eyelids yet the  moon brings light to my eyes and smoke through my lungs like a jumper to trains.

Blood doesn't guarantee you love, it guarantees you hurt, expectations and questions, my blood has died, has left the state and has put more space in me than pluto ever could from the earth. Yet I need more space to think to have her understand but I am tired of thinking, sick of swallowing and above analyzing.    Where did her face go? The one that matched mine when we used to build forts and catch lightening bugs, while sneaking sweets when mom was cooking. Why do I crave her attention? Why do I need it, and why does she not realize this? She cares. But only when it is convenient and nothing is convenient anymore.
Just let me go, I love Outer-space too much to think of you in it.

- M

Clone.

You had a lot of crooks try to steal your heart, 
Never really had luck, couldn't never figure out
How to love, how to love, mmm.

You say you had a lot of moments that didn't last forever, 
Now you in this corner trying to put it together.
How to love, how to love, mmm.

For a second you were here, now you over there, It's hard not to stare, 
The way you moving your body like you never had a love.
How to love, ohh. 

And you had a lot of dreams, that transformed to visions.
The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions.



-Lil wayne.


Lil wayne is a wizard of words my friends and I am here to say he has come a LONG way from lollipop land.
I have never felt so compelled to wanna scamper through my thoughts and surgically remove any remaining strings that were attached to my juvenile lifestyle and the heartache it faced. I see myself spiraling down into this clone that was generated out of restlessness and independence, and fittin' like a glove in it. I was driving back from a utopia of mischief and   tubing earlier today this tune came on the radio, as I was listening my heart seemed to match the melody quite nicely, which seemed to trigger an infection of sorts. I was never really good at cleaning wounds and now I feel the need to stop trying to  clean it and let it take its course. 


-M 

I wonder.

-M

Window-see-all.

            

I don't know which to do first,

break a heart or someones neck.

Of course when you feel that much pain, they might as well be the same.

Everyones telling me there is only one way.

So I scatter my eyes to find the portal of light that will match my needy mind.

Instead I find an open windowsill to rest my freckled legs upon,

and pull out the remains of past escape and breathe in the troubled air. 

I stare out in the dreary atmosphere, counting bricks just for kicks

 while reviewing the hopelessness that once was forgotten. 

I guess heartache clings to those who are near, or who fear for a better future than the one that lingers in front of her face.

The fizzing TV’s and the restless alarms bring wake to her morning and alarming the senses of future mistakes to be made, but should she think that life is one circling hamster ball of dead ends and broken kens? Could her idea life be straddled by the life that exists rather than the one she will live?

 Wait of course it is scratch the question marks and future ones because we know where the carousel ends and we have seen the happiness that comes from riding mystical creatures around and around and around till’ someone hits the stop button, not you, someone.

Thinking, winking, sinking.

I need a life vest and a breathing machine just to sink down into my unwritten heart and to be honest no one likes to read a blank slate, So they don’t and look at the emotional peep show I willingly give them, because I want to love. 

I want to love.

 I want to love and know how to love.

 So I wave to strangers and shock people with my ruthless smiles because I just want to look his way and mean it. 

-M

Room for two?

Have a hot dog or two...and a bud light lime with some apple pie, ya'll.

-M

Disaster.

I laughed till I bled out all of the clues, 

that lead me to this perpetual pain that can't be replaced,

I looked for shorter tunnels to hide from the coming rain, but all I found was long, dark ones that had broken frames, so  I ran straight through them hoping to find an end, but instead I found a broken man and this is what he said" I wish I could hold you through this pain, 

I'd throw you on my back and pretend to fly away, because all we want is worthiness for the coming days, So I wish I could hold you this disaster," 

I looked into his weepy eyes and couldn't seem to find, the darkness that usually happens to reside.

So I searched my heart hoping that it could tell me more, But instead I just found another open sore.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

-M

LIFEGOESON.

... And then there was Two and a broken heart.

Give a little love MY ass.

-M

It takes two.

Having someone to share music with, to muse on memories and dance around like a drunken Unicorn* can make for a happy heart and a peaceful existence. 

I love having a best friend who is not only an excellent listener and writer...but can jump on the wavelength at the speed I am traveling and  that makes me feel not so alone.

I love having a best friend that I am proud to call my best friend. 

Love you love.

-M

sick.

I look at this photo and think two things.

I want to look that cute straddling a fence and I want to pop the hell out of those balloons. 

"Blue skies are coming but I know that it's hard," - Noah and the Whale.

Here it is folks, the wedding week. Sheesh.

Who knew time was on the enemy side. I guess my body senses it as well, because ironically, I am sick.

My nose feels as stuffed as a turkey on thanksgiving day, and I hate stuffing. 

I wish I could reverse time, and travel back into time when I was little.

I would tell myself that life will be hard, so face every pain when it comes so it doesn't build up into walls that I have to lie to climb over.

It's agonizing, it's old and I am backpedaling in circles because I am afraid to take another route.

4 years later here is 19 years of hurt on top of 4 years of problems that my heart never even touched.

You can process pain for years but if you don't connect it to your heart, your picking up papers that have already been graded. I stare at myself and demand freedom, but thats not enough.

My mom desperately and persistently cried out to you for healing, for peace, you gave her 4 years of embarrassingly painful cancer and then healing in the form of death. How bright must my light be for you to see my tears while I attend church full of loss and pain?

 But I still go, that counts for something, right? 

My ways are not your ways,

Thats for sure.

I have to backpedal to start pedaling and that is a tiring thing.

-M

Undependable. Part Deux.

My flesh makes its appearance while my soul stands still.
I can't pretend that this isn't dragging my heart openly through the streets of Goodwill.
Fire hydrants explode as I pass by to cool off my hott-headed reply's, well the reply's I wanna say, I crave to say but the intelligence my mom put in me curses at me to stop so I do.
A loss to someone may seam like a typical occurrence while to another makes the world darken and their eyes to pounce around condensation that the heart creates to heal.
Mine is more of a gray area with a half glass feel.


I couldn't change more if you turned me black and into a man, but you know what they say, " once you go black, you never go back," So I stick with my ever-so -evolving life maybe adding a tattoo here or there to the change or distract from the fact that even though I feel like a fifteen-year old girl, I am indeed nineteen and clean. What if life felt effortless? That trust came as easily as a 40-year-old to a striper HA. But really, I guess people would find it boring, there would be no gossip columns or page sixes, only pure happy, sappy news...GROSS. Fine slay me night and day but know that life can't be this heavy so I become undependable, well, my emotions do because it can't decide the weight it wants to carry.

8 days in counting.

-M

Dependable.

I lay in bed to fill my mind with things that my eyes cannot unwind, 

To walk across seas not yet discovered and jump through beams of hurt and contras.

I have learned the steps to make a mess and have high-fived the feelings of worthlessness.

My mind selects the skinny steps so when I fall I know it was my choice, my choice to expect the fall not his or hers or them.

My arms wrap the ideas of a healthy life in seaweed and sweat them off like a billion beads.

I lie to fill the gap of trust between the two hearts, which mounts the divider of rawness because my heart is too raw already.

I need you.

But I don't want you.

Will you consume me, because I won't make the first step, 

because I am not dependable. 

-M

Window.

We fear the unknown because not being in control of our futures makes us fear.

We fear death even though it is one of the only things "us" as humans have in common, but it is permanent for some, so it's hard to swallow.

We fear heartache, even though the end result makes for a better song lyric, or maybe a better relationship because you have to test the waters before you jump in. 

Fear lingers outside hospitals rooms and jumps outside of windows, while skipping along alley ways and lurking inside office doors.

It has many names with many DNA's and never gets invited to a party, it sometimes saves peoples hearts while securing regrets in others but it can never seize first without the carriers consent.

It is on our TV screens, radios, and in mailboxes driving around us like a rush hour on a friday. 

I wish fear and I had never met and I wish it would stop harassing my heart. 

-M

Capsule.

I wish I could capsulize my feelings enough to express the amount of loss I feel in myself on a daily basis, but it seems it comes out more like a hot spring more than anything else.

I am capsized from the feeling of life, but maybe that's what I need.

-M

Hair.

Like the moon its sits on you and sways like the sea on a late evening.

-M

Filtration.

As I stare at the aisles of believers all singing in unison to the praises of God, with anticipation in their hearts and heaviness in their eyes, I begin to surrender.

I surrender emotionally.

Physically.

But mostly, spiritually.

I can beat myself up and listen to the enemy routinely, but when it comes to loving myself and listening to God, you might as well pull up a chair and grab a magazine.

I need to listen to the truth and filter out the lies.

I need to stop focusing on the hurt people do and start seeing the love they do.

I need to let go of past deception and see a fresh plate.

And I need to not forget that relying on humans for happiness is about as useless as a fruit basket. 

-M

Unscripted.

Realizing that my loneliness comes from the lack of accepting the strength in myself, is like trying to bungee jump of a cliff and having the thought of death not swift through your mind. 

I am not comfortable with being alone, but I crave my loneliness more than a new pair of gladiators. 

Should I stop contemplating the outcome and start focusing on the present? 

I write off anyone who wants to love me.

Its starting to pollute more than just my heart.

-M

Thundertoot.

I went to this non-profit creative arts venue last night in DT atlanta called Wonderroot for an open mic in the hopes of making my spoken word debut, however there was words spoken, but not the ones I had in mind.

No entrance fee, which my gal-pal Lucy and I quickly realized the reasoning behind that as soon as the performers took the mat.

Ha, I wish I could teleport you ( the reader) back in time to the scenario, because no adjective could express the pure nature of the venue and its inhabitants, which seems to be kind natured.

However I can tell you this, If you have ever watched american idol auditions and seen the obscurity that makes it's way to our TV tubes then you have an inkling of the majority of performers. 

All you need is a little weed and some lack of showering and you pretty much got the full effect, easily. 

But it wasn't the intense stench or the short-falling of talent that caught my ears, eyes, or nose.

It was the committed performers and the boosterish audience that scraped my insides to the point of questioning my own opinions. 

The community they have at wonderroot is nothing I have really ever seen. 

They support each other rigorously and loudly despite the lack of substance in the performance or the impact it had. 

It was safe for performers and people alike to come and share a piece of their light weight minds and heavy hearts. The majority of the people that spoke, sang or played were not there for the claps or praise, but for the acceptance and fellowship from the community there.  

And the community willingly gave it, and gave it and gave it...etc. HA!

Once my mind got back on track and arrived at a station, I started scanning the room.

Staring at the misfits and schmucks pacing around, some mumbling the lyrics and bobbing their heads, others off in their mind-made universe.

The realization of happiness that came from all the eclectic, yet identical, beings in this basement room froze the very core of my processing and began to redefine itself within this atmosphere.

Besides the drugs, What if happiness doesn't originate with choice but with the identification of ourselves   to trust our circumstances? 

Unfortunately, I know the answer to this, but I couldn't help letting it pull a chair up next to my spiritual logic. 

I felt as though these cracked up, slightly homeless hippies had satisfaction and true happiness and I didn't ( don't). 

I can swirl myself in circles trying to under-analyze, overanalyze or just accept; but the truth is maybe I need to stray away from the norm and figure out the labels myself. 

-M

I see England, I see France, I decided... I need new Pants!

So, tragically, on a sunday summer evening, my favorite black skinny ankle hugging jeans went Kaputs. 

They served me well on many of my co co loco runs and late evening concert bashes, but all good things must come to an end.

You must be wondering why I just wasted 42 words on a pair of urban skinny jeans, Well because its ironic, thats why damnit.

I am on this new medication. The kind where it has 36 different side-affects and you must check in with your psychiatrist regularly to secure your safety. 

It doesn't make me happy but it brings me back to zero, rather than negative five so I can start functioning the way a normal nine-teen year old should be, or so I think they should.

It is my fourth day on it and I feel a difference. I feel like the darkness doesn't feel so dark and that my heaviness feels more like styrofoam instead of bricks.  

Sure there is much more than just a pop of a pill that needs to addressed, but now I can see through clearer eyes while I am driving to that road and I am okay with that.

 So as I am bidding adieu to my leg slimming, butt hugging, black hipster pants I can say "bonjour" to a more processed, revived and cheeky pair of some faded aqua skinnies. 

Cheers to new trousers, ( clink).

-M

Summer Haze.

She fly's back and forth,

like a million different bees,

and the sweetness that she produces isn't the key.

His love that springs up,

 has caught a leak, and formed a clot,

and now can't seem to please,

not even her cold heart.

She watermarks his heart with unwilling ease,

and catches his beats like a stethoscope flea.

His breaking point has no limit on it,

so he tracks behind her,

 hoping the aroma of his words would spread on her,

 like some ivy to a tree.

She nods her head in recognition of his efforts,

but she knows this muscle and the memory it holds,

and yearns for nothing like him.

So they prance around these shaky waters

aiming to exist, 

while keeping one eye closed and the other on the water,

one will sink and one will swim.

-M

I take a sip of something poison.

This song gets my heavy spirited self up, and going in the early morning. I hope it gets your mind buzzing and feet jumpin' the same way it does for me.

 My self-awareness has been watermarking my very existence the last few days.

Sometimes I wish all the mind spinning would stop vomting, I think it is moving too fast.

Btw, This is a free download on itunes. ;).

-M

Ring of fire.

My heart is sore,

my spirits poor.

My love is empty,

my hate is full.

My eyes are leaky,

my mouth is dry,

my body is running on fearful fuel.

My mind sets on fire when my dad tells me about shopping for an engagement ring.

That is what happens, right?

You decide to get married, you buy a ring and then get married.

It's a symbol of a promise. 

A promise made when your heart agrees with your head.

But how do you rearrange your heart, more so, your priorities?

Practice makes perfect I suppose.

Well bloody freaken' hell

-M

Bluebirds.

You flew away,

I said " Good day,"

and checked the weather channel.

I swallowed worms,

to hide the germs,

that were left from your white lies.

Having little power

can build feathered towers,

that no man can ever pluck.

We vomited up promises to survive,

And carved holes in wood,

 to provide,

 a shelter from this love mock-up.

So I am leaving behind,

all the things I can find,

that made us want to fly,

And I hide away

in my wood clay,

wishing "We" would just decay.

 -M

FUTURE FUN-FESTS.

This is when teleportation is needed.

-M

Belief: Outcomes.

Ya know the feeling of feeling alone in a room full of people?

Well ladies and gentlemen, I do.

I feel as though that my happiness depends on outcomes and my belief in happiness is dissenting.

Belief in all things determines the outcomes, but does belief parallel faith?

It must be too separate deities because if faith determines the outcomes, then I am a liar.

Lie: I can handle this.

Truth(God): You can't, I can though.

(sigh)

Maybe One day when God wrangles me into him, I won't be such a stubborn bull, because this loneliness is unnecessary, but my pain feels like a defense, rather than an attack.

I am tired of crying outwardly about  things that are misplaced because of my misplaced feelings. 

I feel like settling on my pain, rather than fighting it because I am letting too much slip away, like love.

And we all know that Love is all We Need. Good one.

-M

No Pain, More Gain.

To pretend that life would be fulfilling with no complications, is foolish.

But to state that a life filled with pain is fulfilling, is just ignorant.

I want to grow.

I want to be educated emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. 

I want to be a good friend, girlfriend, sister, mother, grandmother and daughter, but I don't want to die before I accomplish all of these things.

My mom did.

She died believing a lie that she was going to be healed.

That the life she was living was a testament of her faithfulness to you, a testament that was reversed when you decided it was time for her to go.

I know its not my life, and you give us free will that you don't mess with,

 So we skip over cracks and hold our breath while crossing railroad tracks because no matter the precautions we take to please you, you still will have the last say.

So I will bow and try to wipe the tears from my eyes because we have to much history for me to give up on you now.

But know that as much as I have no choice in the matter, I still have a choice to feel betrayed, because I do and I am not a foreigner to this land anymore, but I still feel just as lost as ever before.

By the way,

 I can't help but think that for once in my life, this pain will have no gain.

-M

6-1-11/9-5-11.

<3 SUMMER.

-M