Time-bombs.

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am


- The Fray


I have these times where I am going about my life laughing, staring longingly at the TV thinking about what is next on my agenda, knowing all along that I am in control of my emotional spills and drops. But what I didn't calculate in was that I gave that up 5 years ago when I lost the only thing that kept me going about my day laughing. 

 Tonight I had a spoonful of one of my favorite suspenseful, mid-week, shows called Criminal Minds. It had all my favorite details; the emotional attachments, the blood, the suspenseful climax, and the happy ending, but what I didn't expect was the song that was played during the last scene. It somehow pulled apart all the straightening I had done in the last year and all that was left were tear stained hands and a broken heart. I don't remember my mom as much as i used too, so when I hear a song that makes me think of her, it unfortunately breaks my heart. 
So I cried, then I replayed the song to cry some more, then I stopped because I had to get up to get a tissue. There is no right or no wrong, but to know that at a split second a song can pull me out of this realistic, never ending, day by day stance can be quite alarming. Now what this means no one can know, but what it means to me is that no matter where I go, no matter what I do, know matter who I become, My mom is more than the maker of my DNA, she is a part of me, a surprising time-bomb that explodes at the most insincere moments during the most mundane times and is buried beneath all the hard days work, ready to welcome me home. 
When I am still I know I am with you.
-M

Mundane Mondays.

He will perfect the things that concern me. 

Psalm 138:8.

Promise made.

Promise accepted. 

Concerns are big, God is bigger.

-M

Easy as Mac.

This past year has felt like a hot air balloon ride, climbing heights of fear and flying through air of uncertainty.

I left friendships that were fruitful and I gained awareness of love that was dormant and now is alive and settled. One moment I was sitting in my dorm slurping my midnight snack of easy mac and contemplating whether or not I should finish tomorrow's homework assignments, the next moment I am writing in a house, once visited for shorter visits and for different reasons, crying myself to sleep, but really crying so I can make sense of all this life I have lived. When I was little I thought school, friendships, houses were as easy to acquire as a warm bowl of easy mac, society told me that as long as I believed it could happen, it would. Well society double crossed me, and left out all the difficulties I would have to face to get there.  There are instances when I let myself think, " Would I have been okay to stay at Lee and finish school?" But the reality of the question sets in and I defend myself with saying " No." The truth is that I will never know and never knowing is okay with me, because we make decisions for ourselves based on the currents circumstances and whether or not that was the best decision, it was one I made for myself and I will prosper and grow and live out the best of that decision as I can, to make a life that is still dreamt in day dreams and read in fictional, New York Time's bestseller novels. 

Leaving Lee has brought so many good things my way; my sister, lucy, california, self restoration, and a deep sense of God's love that I knew existed but never could let myself feel. I am proud of the person I have become, that I have fought for, and deciding to go to california and find more of myself there seems like the best decision considering the circumstances. I trust God and I trust family, now let me trust myself.

-M