I take a sip of something poison.

This song gets my heavy spirited self up, and going in the early morning. I hope it gets your mind buzzing and feet jumpin' the same way it does for me.

 My self-awareness has been watermarking my very existence the last few days.

Sometimes I wish all the mind spinning would stop vomting, I think it is moving too fast.

Btw, This is a free download on itunes. ;).

-M

Ring of fire.

My heart is sore,

my spirits poor.

My love is empty,

my hate is full.

My eyes are leaky,

my mouth is dry,

my body is running on fearful fuel.

My mind sets on fire when my dad tells me about shopping for an engagement ring.

That is what happens, right?

You decide to get married, you buy a ring and then get married.

It's a symbol of a promise. 

A promise made when your heart agrees with your head.

But how do you rearrange your heart, more so, your priorities?

Practice makes perfect I suppose.

Well bloody freaken' hell

-M

Bluebirds.

You flew away,

I said " Good day,"

and checked the weather channel.

I swallowed worms,

to hide the germs,

that were left from your white lies.

Having little power

can build feathered towers,

that no man can ever pluck.

We vomited up promises to survive,

And carved holes in wood,

 to provide,

 a shelter from this love mock-up.

So I am leaving behind,

all the things I can find,

that made us want to fly,

And I hide away

in my wood clay,

wishing "We" would just decay.

 -M

FUTURE FUN-FESTS.

This is when teleportation is needed.

-M

Belief: Outcomes.

Ya know the feeling of feeling alone in a room full of people?

Well ladies and gentlemen, I do.

I feel as though that my happiness depends on outcomes and my belief in happiness is dissenting.

Belief in all things determines the outcomes, but does belief parallel faith?

It must be too separate deities because if faith determines the outcomes, then I am a liar.

Lie: I can handle this.

Truth(God): You can't, I can though.

(sigh)

Maybe One day when God wrangles me into him, I won't be such a stubborn bull, because this loneliness is unnecessary, but my pain feels like a defense, rather than an attack.

I am tired of crying outwardly about  things that are misplaced because of my misplaced feelings. 

I feel like settling on my pain, rather than fighting it because I am letting too much slip away, like love.

And we all know that Love is all We Need. Good one.

-M

No Pain, More Gain.

To pretend that life would be fulfilling with no complications, is foolish.

But to state that a life filled with pain is fulfilling, is just ignorant.

I want to grow.

I want to be educated emotionally, spiritually and intellectually. 

I want to be a good friend, girlfriend, sister, mother, grandmother and daughter, but I don't want to die before I accomplish all of these things.

My mom did.

She died believing a lie that she was going to be healed.

That the life she was living was a testament of her faithfulness to you, a testament that was reversed when you decided it was time for her to go.

I know its not my life, and you give us free will that you don't mess with,

 So we skip over cracks and hold our breath while crossing railroad tracks because no matter the precautions we take to please you, you still will have the last say.

So I will bow and try to wipe the tears from my eyes because we have to much history for me to give up on you now.

But know that as much as I have no choice in the matter, I still have a choice to feel betrayed, because I do and I am not a foreigner to this land anymore, but I still feel just as lost as ever before.

By the way,

 I can't help but think that for once in my life, this pain will have no gain.

-M

6-1-11/9-5-11.

<3 SUMMER.

-M

4am.

I wish I could pretend that you weren't a repeat, but you were.

My head said "yes," and my heart said "no."

The time your heart spent securing a space was the same amount of time mine spent securing a exit strategy with a trap door, because I must have a Plan B.

I thought I needed clarity before cutting the ties and jumping the tracks, but I think clarity is what I have, and I need to stop relabeling it to fit my suiting. 

My Wise friend Lucinda stated that he already is in the past for me, that as much as I would love to dismiss the feeling I have for him, or lack there of, I can't and now I must tie my hair back, and make sure I don't trip on my heart on the way out.

I hate feeling okay with destroying someone's heart.

I wish I could fight for us, that my repairs could lead me back to you, but bug I just don't think they will.

I am sorry I was a risk, I should have had a WARNING label on me, but I am a romantic.

I was on my way to loving you, but I got sideswiped and ran off the track, and I am sorry.

Maybe one day you will read my Blog and realize that I wasn't just being cheeky, that what I felt was real, that you were real.

-M

A walk NOT to remember.

First I would like to point out how much I wish I was the girl in this picture.

Such a dork, I know, but I am so visual when relating to my emotions that I must have a picture to go with my posts, must.

Be that as it may become a shock to you, my fellow readers(er) I am running from myself, once more.

I process more than the average PC and fight more than a gang-banger in LA. 

My emotional Habits were except-able when they didn't have as deep as consequences, so I need to rid myself of them and start a new.

I was clearing out my closet yesterday trying to make room for all the stowaway clothes I have from college and unsurprisingly realized I didn't have room them.

So what now? I already did my plato's sorting and I love my clothes prolly' more than my dog and I wasn't ready to budge, but as I was folding and trying to mold them into the crevasses I realized something.

Not only am I a clothes hoarder but I am a hurt hoarder. 

I have packed my heart full of hurt, some intentional, most unintentional. I have tried to hold on to every ounce of guilt, unforgivness, regret, and pain regarding my past and my mother.

Who would want to cradle such cramps for all there life right?

Well I find my identity in it. I have felt broken all of my adult life, and choosing to become "okay"with all this change, is dreadful because I would be accepting that life is okay without my mom, which it's not.

I know. 

I know I need to and to be honest I want to because with forgiveness comes freedom, and with freedom comes healing and my scabs are becoming scars from all this scratching, but dudes and dudets this is not a black and white party. 

My mom would want me to move on and live the life God has laid out for me, but I am not ready, at least thats how I feel. 

Since when was letting God relieve me from pain became an issue, beats me, but somewhere between learning how to walk and running from boys I lost trust.

When I think of connecting with God, my stomach twists and my heart closes.

What will it take, huh? 

I speak truth and listen to lies... How. did. I. Get. here?

I am sorry God, I know you left a voicemail, but your long distance.

-M

CLS.

Holidays, of any kind, bring a sense of guilt to me.

Before my mother passed, I was a bit of a mess.

Even though I was younger and in my teenager wasteland phase, I still was a twit.

I know everyone has regret but I feel mine isn't something I can just accept, it's something I must carry, and I do.

Mother's day memories consist of me and my sister, making it about us and somehow turning, what once was an enjoyable, selfless day, into a intolerable, selfish one.

If I could tell my mom three things today it would be,

1. Thanks for always supporting me.

2. You brought light to many peoples lives.

3. You were the masterpiece of a mother figure with the framework of the Lord; I love you.

-M

Shappy HAPPY.

So The New background of my Blog is from Shappyblogs obviously... and how I don't feel it suits my groove, it's design name is Molly.
How Could I resist? =)
-M

My heart breaks a Little More.

-M

Loco in El Corazon.

I wish I could feel your pain.

I wish I could take back every heavy word I spoke on you.

I wish that I could lie and not cut ties,

and be the one to fall into your eyes.

I never meant to dive right in and not take breaths, now I just exhale.

I am sorry is not enough to heal the darts that went to your heart, and

I never had a sense of direction.

I felt us once, but now its a distant buzz. I would like to think what we had was real, but I can't tell real anymore.

My heart whispers memories to my ears and I listen.

I listen, so that when I am ready maybe you will be there, maybe my heart will choose yours.

But what if it doesn't, I'll just stare at the past with my left eye while my right looks forward, because I don't heal fast.

I am a process. I warned you, but that didn't matter.

We chose heart over mind and mine was broken, and you could never fix me.

The Truth is, I am learning alot from this potential break-up and I am sorry you were collateral damage.

I love-d you M.

-m

PLEASE.

I wish I could be this little girl.

I wish I could wish and actually believe it is gonna come true.

Her innocence projects happiness because she isn't tattered,

and to wear face paint for fun rather than for fixing.

The laughs that always coasted out have turned into a coping mechanisms, and her smile had beauty that no hurtful situation could diminish only delay.

There was no need for  nice cheek bones, because what would grandparents grab when squeezing cheeks?

Now they just try to squeeze a phone call out of her.

Falling meant a scraped knee not a hopeless case, and her idea of jesus was a man with a beard that her parents loved, so she did too, easily.

The twinkle in her eye was for the pure joy that was exuded due to the simplicity of her soul, now the only twinkle she gets is when she gulps down alcohol and forgets her regrets.

I wish I could be this little girl, again.

-M

Joy: Boy: Toy.

I have learned some intricate traits about myself these past weeks.

1. I am learning that being a nanny, isn't as fun as the movies make it out to be, but that the simplistic nature of kids heals the grieving soul more than any clove cigarette or shot of tequila. 

2. Having delayed grief means that the one's you want around you, have already been there and done that. So you feel more alone than before because you are stuck in the past, when everyone's looking toward the future... but there are some that will blast to the past with you.

3. Connecting with people is key. Especially in our generation, but when it becomes a NEED, rather than a routine, that's when you need to instant message yourself and take a leave of absence. Technology is taking a toll on ourselves, if you abuse it. For me personally, I am addict. I need to have someone to connect with daily or I feel alone. That's not what God intended for me or anyone else, especially when I have a problem, I blog about it or change my status on facebook rather than going to him first. 

But hey, I love blogging and FB I just need to not rely on it for comfort.

4. Apparently my need for male attention is more prominent in my life than ever. I always thought that girls who crave an obnoxious amount of attention from boys/men had daddy issues, but I guess my judgement was passed passively because I am a breathing example of a tease, rather an insecure, spinning, broken girl trying to have someone to save her. I feel God can only fill that, but trust is a heavy word, remember?

5. That despite my wavering heart with God, he constantly reminds me how I am not useless, but significant and thats why he runs me into the road like a troublesome squirrel. 

-M