Lake water.

I flip through pages once turned and skim the words while leaving my teardrops on every page. The book of life can’t be unwritten but you can always start a new chapter. My heart sheds its new skin with every new season but there is always half that is left unrevoked and not leaving enough room for it to breath can lead to suffocation and then the never-ending reign of death.

  I am working on growing, well growing is working on me, I am also trying to peel back the useless pounds that linger on me like an afternoon smoke and stare at me in my daily morning routine of criticism which hopefully gains enough motivation to work out or maybe not go for my second brownie but it never makes its point.

A lot of times when I am on the phone with him I feel like I have to reassure him that even though I am slowly dying inside I am okay, because I still eat m vegetables and drink my water. We are back in the place of second priorities and blissful ignorance of my current state, because monitoring the issue is better than confronting it. I get it. I do. I am older, stronger, smarter and somewhat wiser so why would he give a second guess himself to whether I am all right.

Delayed grief is like jumping in a pot of boiling hot oil, why would anyone choose that? Or better than that, why would anyone understand that? Most the time I daydream about drowning in the lake behind my house and imagine the call he would get, the face he would make and the heartbeats that would skip due to the sudden emptiness. But then my favorite tune sprouts up from Pandora and I snap out of it in an instance, because this is temporary, but temporary has been 9 years of my life so it gets a little hopeless.  

I try to do right by the people I love and the passions that loiter inside me; I decided that I would take a pottery course along with a cooking class just for kicks. I am excited. Two things that bring so much joy and confidence to me have equal opportunity timing and I am not taking either for granted, because well who doesn’t love eating out of a bowl that you made with a gourmet soup that was prepared by YOU.  Ha ha   I have the time, why the hell not.  I continue to try and place exciting ventures in my path, so when the night turns dark blue my heart won’t as well. I think I have always needed something to look forward too, which isn’t a complete mental case but something that can get tiring, and I want to feel more content in the space I am in with the people I choose to be in there with which is slowly dwindling as the weeks pass but I guess it’s better to know what you don’t need than what you do.

Thankfulness is trying to come to dinner and I let it because I am blessed. So I pour it another glass of water and say cheers to future thoughts that care to share a meal. I decided to carefully start looking at the good in life and the good I can make in life.  I need that. I need to know I am not just a filled chair or a cute face. I am happy that I know myself this much at such a young age and knowing myself brings me to leave it as is and jump in the shower, and get ready for my evening event.        

-M