Hey, I am looking at You.

Have you ever stared at yourself long enough in the mirror hoping that somewhere in your reflection you'll find peace because of the familiarity staring back at you? I have. Sometimes I need to give myself a long hard look, like one I know my mom would have given me if she were here. I think I keep waiting for my life to change, but I am not making time for it too. The older I get the more confused I become about the choices I make for myself. Excuses can only hold so much weight until they collapse and reveal the truth below them. Mine have avalanched and settled on any solid ground that was left for me to rest on. The truth behind every fear is more fear, so when do you stop fearing? Or do you eventually learn to make fear your friend and sit on the ends of trust waiting for some freedom. Somehow between the cigarette smoke and my morning runs, I lost control. Maybe I never had it to begin with, but seeing how most nights I am reconciling with my demons and shielding myself from future ones, I would hope it was all my doing. Blindsided by moments of happiness, I walk through lines of distrust and nostalgia. I told myself to let go but anyone that knows me, knows that it is seemingly impossible for that to happen. I hold tight because trusting comes with more responsibility, it means that I don't only have to manage me, I have to manage you. I have trouble looking at myself in the mirror because I don't find the peace anymore, because I see no similarity in the faces of the past.

-M