nobody.

"And the tears come streaming down your faceWhen you lose something you can't replaceWhen you love someone but it goes to wasteCould it be worse?"-coldplay.
I have never felt this stanza more than in my life right now.The crescendos and piano solos bring ones soul from the soiled ground, up to the atmosphere of any state of mind, but even in the right moment with the right song and the right person I still feel completely alone and unsatisfied with myself and my tears are staining my thrift store finds and my hiccups wont stop.God might be the answer to my perpetual loneliness but I am starting to believe that my heart will never be whole, and maybe one day it will be full enough to makeshift a seal, but I am tired of fighting myself for it, I am tired of trying to fix it and I am tired of searching for someone to fix it. Fixing it isn't the solution, Living it is. But to answer your question, I don't think there is anything worse than a loss.-M

U-verse.

The beauty in words comes from the beauty in memories, which come from the beauty of love.
-M

Acorns.

As seasons flow like the inventory at my store, I still tend to doubt the stability in things, but that doesnt create me to not learn while filing away at the unwanted truths.

Things I have learned recently,

1. Even though I receive 50% off of the whole store of Gap, doesn't mean I should buy things that I most likely would not have purchased at full price. My clothing consumption has reached its limits.

2. No matter how much emergency' I drink to get rid of my ongoing cold, nothing will destroy it like quitting my cigarette smoking or taking a vacation from it. 

3. No matter if I give it my best when it comes to work, I should continue to stream the question " Is there a better way to do this," because sometimes there is, and that doesn't make a weak worker.

4. The feeling of wanting a boyfriend has taken over my free thinking, however knowing that only makes me want to work harder in therapy, so I can be a great girlfriend, friend, and one day mother.

5. The lack of healthy constant friendships in my life has made a big hole in my heart and I should never let obligations get in the way of spending time with the people I consider my best friends. No matter how much work goes into it, the result is what life should be about.

6. The running back and forth at work does not count as a workout and that my pant size has doubled in the last 6 months, its time for an intervention. 

7. That forgiveness isn't about letting the person off the hook for the wrong that was done to you, but giving up the hope of a better   or different yesterday and finding peace in that and in God.

So there you go readers, the seven searing truths. Thanks for listening, and as always go on going on. 

-M

Fear.

I am afraid to feel.
I am afraid to grow.
I am afraid to change.
I am afraid to look inside and understand why I can't let people love me.
I am afriad to forgive.
I am afraid to know my flaws, I am afraid to know myself.
I am afraid to heal.
I am afraid to think because my mind wanders into spaces that needs a flashlight and some rope and I have never been good at climbing and dark still makes me paralyzed.
I am afraid to be knowledgeable because with knowing comes responsibility and I like relaxing in the feelings of worthlessness because I don't get hurt there, because people don't take me seriously.
I hide behind my smile and superficial innocence and I don't know why.

My sensitive soul hasn't grown, its just taken too many crash tests and decided that not driving is the safest decision.

I don't know myself, than again who knows them-self truly all at once.
I know what people know of me, what God thinks of me, and what I don't want to be.
I think knowing what I don't want to be helps even out the confusion of who I am.
I want people to look at me and see the Wholeness, the healing work of God through time and see What beauty truly is and what it stands for.

I have not updated in a while because with words comes understanding and with that comes closure and I am afraid to lose the pain that I let label me, the guard I let protect me and the lies I let lead me.
I am deeply, desperately afraid of myself.
Of what lys ahead of me and the damage I will create in the future because fear brings security and I feel safest inside.

But it is a time to heal.
It is a time kneel.
And it is a time to feel.
I find myself straying from all good things because I don't want to see myself enjoy life because I never truly have.
There has been moments of serenity and moments of joy, but all those come from God and I am afraid to forgive him, because I feel thats me accepting that my moms death was okay, and I can't stray away from that, my heart doesn't know how and doesn't want too.
I know what needs to be done, how I need to act, how I need to love, and how I need to be loved, and how I need to show love, but knowing and feeling, as many know, come at a cost, and lately I having been broke and uninterested.
I pray that the gym visits I make will build strength in my heart as well as my legs and that the coffee I drink will awaken more than my mind but my soul.
Work is involved and I am a slow learner.
Hope is my good friend not my mindset, than again it is breast cancer awareness month, but I have no survival story to tell.
This is not a pity-fest my friends, it is just honesty, however my life does have a reason, its just hard to feel that when your not feeling much but the smoke that feels my lungs when I want to retreat.

I am afraid to let myself be happy because I know I am letting fear down.

-M

Night like these...

On nights like these I wish I was numb,
my eyes would fall back into my head,
 and my thoughts would float along.

On nights like these I can feel all my insides,
begging for a new capsule of life to carry them through the tides.
They pulse through heartache present,
 but sink in heartache past.

On nights like these I force my mind to teleport,
I think of past escapes and build forts,
to cushion me through this fall.

I can feel my heart stretching,
it warms up on nights like these,
hoping to hark all the trouble it went through,
and find justice in its fees.

I know not what triggers this uninvited guest,
but I know on nights like these,
I just want to be put to rest.

-M

Fix.

I crawled into bed, hoping to find that subconscious fix behind my eyes.

My head it hovers over scenary unknown of a utopia that I made when I was just 4 years old.

Color is rare, but spirits are high as I sore across these imaginary lines,

being no stranger to this free falling land, I let my heart whisper of it’s demands.

He listened and cryed alongside the hopeless stutter that speaks of a life much cluttered than others.

So he hovered along, scheming the snatching,

of a heart thats not one for catching.

 Just as he reached for the unattainable gift, my eyes started bouncing and my heart skipped a beat, which made my utopia all just a dream. 

-M

Shiver.

There are a few things that make me shiver. 

That make me breath deeper, think longer, and stare mindlessly. 

Recognizing blessings is hard most the time. 

You either think you deserve it, which takes the glory out of it, or you don't realize it at the time, that maybe just maybe its a good thing. 

Delayed realization makes me shiver. 

Its masked figure floats along my stream of subconsciousness and dives into depths that even my therapist can't dig her way into. 

Time heals many things, but only if your letting it. 

I was watching an old episode of "Keeping up with the Kardashians,"

Harass me as you will, but reality TV has a hold of me. 

The dad of the kardashians died back in 2003 from cancer, i believe, and it was a show dedicated to him.

At the end they showed a bunch of old videos from the family with the dad in it.

I broke.

I couldn't believe that this not so realistic show made me cry, dead dogs don't even make me cry, but something in this grabbed a hold of me and reflected the sadness that rests in my current living soul.

i didn't see there home videos, i saw mine. 

I saw every christmas I shared with my mom, every recital she consistently taped, and every smile she flashed as I made her proud. 

It sucks to lose someone you love so deeply but never really knew.

I don't let myself say that enough and the times I do it usually isn't the appropriate time and place.

But when is it ever pleasant to bring up your dead mom, it might as well be a mute subject, ha ha ha.

I feel her more in me lately then ever before. I see her when I am strong and relentless, and when I decide to take the high road in hurt rather than lash out.

I am thankful for the 15 years I had with her, I just wish I acted like it more in them. 

All good things will be eternal, and for that I can't wait to see her again. 

Love you mom, eternally.

-m