Fear.

I am afraid to feel.
I am afraid to grow.
I am afraid to change.
I am afraid to look inside and understand why I can't let people love me.
I am afriad to forgive.
I am afraid to know my flaws, I am afraid to know myself.
I am afraid to heal.
I am afraid to think because my mind wanders into spaces that needs a flashlight and some rope and I have never been good at climbing and dark still makes me paralyzed.
I am afraid to be knowledgeable because with knowing comes responsibility and I like relaxing in the feelings of worthlessness because I don't get hurt there, because people don't take me seriously.
I hide behind my smile and superficial innocence and I don't know why.

My sensitive soul hasn't grown, its just taken too many crash tests and decided that not driving is the safest decision.

I don't know myself, than again who knows them-self truly all at once.
I know what people know of me, what God thinks of me, and what I don't want to be.
I think knowing what I don't want to be helps even out the confusion of who I am.
I want people to look at me and see the Wholeness, the healing work of God through time and see What beauty truly is and what it stands for.

I have not updated in a while because with words comes understanding and with that comes closure and I am afraid to lose the pain that I let label me, the guard I let protect me and the lies I let lead me.
I am deeply, desperately afraid of myself.
Of what lys ahead of me and the damage I will create in the future because fear brings security and I feel safest inside.

But it is a time to heal.
It is a time kneel.
And it is a time to feel.
I find myself straying from all good things because I don't want to see myself enjoy life because I never truly have.
There has been moments of serenity and moments of joy, but all those come from God and I am afraid to forgive him, because I feel thats me accepting that my moms death was okay, and I can't stray away from that, my heart doesn't know how and doesn't want too.
I know what needs to be done, how I need to act, how I need to love, and how I need to be loved, and how I need to show love, but knowing and feeling, as many know, come at a cost, and lately I having been broke and uninterested.
I pray that the gym visits I make will build strength in my heart as well as my legs and that the coffee I drink will awaken more than my mind but my soul.
Work is involved and I am a slow learner.
Hope is my good friend not my mindset, than again it is breast cancer awareness month, but I have no survival story to tell.
This is not a pity-fest my friends, it is just honesty, however my life does have a reason, its just hard to feel that when your not feeling much but the smoke that feels my lungs when I want to retreat.

I am afraid to let myself be happy because I know I am letting fear down.

-M