Shiver.

There are a few things that make me shiver. 

That make me breath deeper, think longer, and stare mindlessly. 

Recognizing blessings is hard most the time. 

You either think you deserve it, which takes the glory out of it, or you don't realize it at the time, that maybe just maybe its a good thing. 

Delayed realization makes me shiver. 

Its masked figure floats along my stream of subconsciousness and dives into depths that even my therapist can't dig her way into. 

Time heals many things, but only if your letting it. 

I was watching an old episode of "Keeping up with the Kardashians,"

Harass me as you will, but reality TV has a hold of me. 

The dad of the kardashians died back in 2003 from cancer, i believe, and it was a show dedicated to him.

At the end they showed a bunch of old videos from the family with the dad in it.

I broke.

I couldn't believe that this not so realistic show made me cry, dead dogs don't even make me cry, but something in this grabbed a hold of me and reflected the sadness that rests in my current living soul.

i didn't see there home videos, i saw mine. 

I saw every christmas I shared with my mom, every recital she consistently taped, and every smile she flashed as I made her proud. 

It sucks to lose someone you love so deeply but never really knew.

I don't let myself say that enough and the times I do it usually isn't the appropriate time and place.

But when is it ever pleasant to bring up your dead mom, it might as well be a mute subject, ha ha ha.

I feel her more in me lately then ever before. I see her when I am strong and relentless, and when I decide to take the high road in hurt rather than lash out.

I am thankful for the 15 years I had with her, I just wish I acted like it more in them. 

All good things will be eternal, and for that I can't wait to see her again. 

Love you mom, eternally.

-m