local hills

The seaons bring a shift in me, Crunchy leaves and spilled tea, Lost loves and broken knees, Trying to find the missing piece. Colorful sunrises on local hills, Remembering mom's love of it kills, Staying present comes at even a deeper cost, why not forget it and become a little lost.

Light

Light came through the smallest crack she left unmaintained,

So that one day someone could break through and see that all the complaining, 

was just a netting. 

She wore her cards close to her chest because letting him see meant she would have to fold,

and that was something she can't let God hold. 

When he showed her that her lovely heart was something worth Gold, 

light consumed her and all her sunken sorrows burned away.

They chose to say yes to heartbreak, love, and orange trees,

but with time, the cards were getting scattered and the light was dimmed causing her trees,

to die away.

Light came crashing through and sat with them in the dark,

he made promises to not stop showing her, her golden heart,

but life came breaking backwards and the light went out, the way it does.

There was no proper reseeding, or covering to be done,

just broken promises and dead oranges left as evidence with no sun.

It came and went as lightening does, but what remains is the same,

a love worth remembering and heartfelt promises kept close to her brain.

There may never be an us, but there was a trust,

a trust to know that the light they both saw was one worth letting in.  

Grateful

Choices.

We all have them. Daily, every second of everyday. We are constantly having to fight for the hard ones, defend the bad ones ands surrender to the good ones. We are delicately tip-toeing on a tight rope of choosing what can satisfy our stability. I never knew choosing could feel so conflicting, and that the act of it would cause plenty of exhales. There are many that I wish my brain batteries were fully charged for, because maybe if they were, I would have less grieving ghosts following me around. 

I chose today. I chose to choose gratefulness over grief. I chose writing over fighting. I chose tears over shit-talking and love over loss. And even though the latter still exist, jumping over timelines to choose what will get me through another day, week, year is what I will choose time after time. Choosing to change can cause tunnels of underground tornadoes but coming down from the spinning can sometimes allow your grieving ghosts to give way to gratefulness. 

-M

Loading...

Do you ever feel like you are waiting for something to click? The thing you are needing to load will not download thus allowing you to lead that life you always wanted to lead? Yeah, me too.

It's like my wifi has gone out and I have been using my personal hotspot for the last 12 years . Not every decision I have made has been out of fear or stress but I can tell you it's been out of something that honestly might not have been pure, steadfast intent. I am starting to wonder if I ever will. I see these older couples, walking around the park or grocery store. Ya know, the ones where they seem so content, carefree from the opinions of others on what they should say or do or even wear. They seem downloaded. They exude a confidence of contentedness.

Maybe it's perspective. I hear that alot from Rachel Hollis. Yes, "the girl wash your face," lady. I have read both of her self help books, downloaded all the podcasts, HELL even paid for life coaching. I sound slightly obsessive but when you find a good thing you don't want to miss a thing. The biggest thing I have taken from her is YOU dictate the life you live. No matter how many losses, no matter how many heartbreaks, no matter how many roadblocks, YOU are in control of YOU. It has really spoken to me on many levels but mostly on the" I lost my mom as a teenager and feel desperately lost as a 27 year old," level. 

It's been 12 years this December since she passed. I feel like I have been haunted for last 12 years in the most unsuspecting ways. I ask myself," Why do I allow myself to still be grieving this much." but then again how can I not? There is no road map to the stopping and starting of grief which makes it that much harder to maneuver. As I start mapping out my life as a wife, my life as friend, as a leader, as an aunt, and as a stranger that you just cut off in traffic, I feel tossed. Losing my mom isn't a crutch that I lean on when trying to understand my own self doubt but its a mother fucking cut that I can't seem to get scabbed.

M

Votum Vovit

As I was writing this trying to come up with the greatest piece of love literature that ever existed, I realized that our story is just that. I remember when I was 18 I promised myself that I would NEVER let anyone else love me. I was standing in Diane's basement bathroom searching for peace amongst my tears and knew that I could never let this happen again, I could never let myself be whole again. I felt this gaping hole in my heart that I wouldn't even let Jesus fill and I felt loss for the first time. I felt it would be an injustice to my mom to cope and move on, so I didn't. Well not for awhile at least. God decided he was tired of waiting and met me in my loneliest places and started changing my heart. I never stopped believing in God, I just felt so hurt and abandoned that I kept him at a distance, but I knew one day I would have to give it up. It was around the time my sister got engaged and I really saw my sister healed and whole from all the time she had put in with herself and their relationship. I saw what it meant to love someone even with a broken heart. When I met you, I never knew you would be the one to show me that same thing. You brought me hope, joy and showed me selfless love when I felt unlovable. You showed me how to love again, and that 14 year old girl who never knew loss, she felt that freedom of choice and courage again.

So I have loved you 1539 days...

I vow to be patient even when your driving, I vow to trust you in all things, I vow to have integrity in our marriage and in parenthood, I vow to remember what is stable not what is empty, I vow to be a loyal best friend and to always laugh with you in every mistake, I vow to pursue you even when we are at odds, I vow to be forgiving when you or I make mistakes, I vow to respect you, encourage you and cherish you through sorrow and success, I vow to stick by you through sickness and health and never take you for granted, I vow to always put God first and you second, I vow to be your encourager in adventure and your forever responsible drinking buddy.  I vow to love you fiercely and honestly for all the days of my life. This I vow to you.

Last Minute.

When I think of this last year, I think of the last minute moments. 

  The in-between, unplanned moments where my team and I would connect, create, or care for each other.  I have had the pleasure of being a part of some of the coolest last minute ideas. Whether it be brainstorming our next social media campaign, or laughing our heads off in the middle of the allatoona. I have felt it all. I look at all the good and think to myself, " How could I leave this?" I don't know really. This will be the first big decision I will make to change my direction, and I am scared. I calm my doubts by saying " it's just a job." I am too smart to actually think that. It's a routine, a friendship, a future. Am I foolish? Will I regret this? I don't know. My head and my heart have decided for me. It has been one of the most exhausting years of my life. Besides the one where my mom passed. There has been some serious growth in every area and for that I will be eternally grateful for Reformation in my life. It has challenged me more than anything else in my life, it has been a pleasure to watch a dream be made. 

  

  Should I stay Or Should I go? That I do not know. 

-M

Grateful

Choices. 

We all have them. Daily, every second of everyday. We are constantly having to fight for the hard ones, defend the bad ones and surrender to the good ones. We are delicately tip-toeing on a tight rope of choosing what can satisfy our stability. I never knew choosing could feel so conflicting, and that the act of it would cause plenty of exhales. There are many that I wish my brain batteries were fully charged for, because maybe if they were, I would have had been able to work through the clutter more quickly. 

I chose today. I chose to choose gratefulness over grief. I chose writing over fighting. I chose tears over shit-talking and love over loss. And even though the latter still exist, jumping over timelines to choose what will get me through another day, week, year is what I will choose time after time. Choosing to change can cause tunnels of underground tornadoes but coming down from the spinning can sometimes allow your grieving heart give way to gratefulness. 

-M

Moss.

Loss is frightening,
it is quite heightening,
Loss forgets about delighting.

Loss is like moss,
seeps underground,
with time grows all over you.

It wears different colors,
likes to be bothered.
It feels everything,
and nothing at all.

It comes and go's,
will teach you to cope,
to not forget hope.

 Loss has a beginning,
and if you let it,
no end.

-M




  

Stages.

I wish you were here to see who I have become.

I wish you could see the holes and fill them with your full hands and big smile.

I wish you would be the one to hold my heart when I have lost who I am, because you always understood the true parts of me.

I wish you would settle me, encourage me, and teach me to fight for people who would fight for me.

I wish you could help me understand more of this love thang, I have a hard time trusting myself in it.

I wish you could hug him.

Tell him how loved he is and will always be,
You were so good at that.

I hope that you see me, living my life day by day and embracing people as much as my heart can take.

I hope you see me being imperfect, but fighting for more.

I know you are proud.

I know you would love him.

I know you wish all these things too...

-M

A long time ago.

When I was younger;
I saw your face,
I went my own way,
I came to realize its not all a game.

When I was younger;
I began to pray,
you went away,
I figured out how to be okay.

When I became older;
I cried when needed,
I held tight to what seeded,
found out some meaning.

Now that I am older,
I feel way more,
I forgive a little faster,
I think on when I was younger,
to cope with all the unknowns.

-M

I'll be your guide.

There are many songs.
There are only a few songs that come at me like a runaway train.
They remind me how to feel, to never stop accessing those parts of myself that got me to where I am, right now.
I am thankful for those songs, without them, I might forget just how to stop. And listen.


"Passenger Seat"

I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"do they collide?" 
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride
When you need directions then i'll be the guide
For all time. 
For all time.

-Death Cab for Cutie

-M

Facing.

There is this type of pain that can only be defeated if faced head on. " The only way to get through it is to go through it." They say.
It's a testament of strength to acknowledge and then pursue such heartache with your eyes wide open. My Heart is breaking but I know the only way to let go, is to go through it. So I am going to do exactly that.

-M


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Gates.

Time hurry up and heal these wounds of mine because I can't shake these honest lies, I can't break these growing vines. You say that life can't be fixed overnight, well come and sing me a lullaby cause' I can't feel much tonight. I am a man in a tunnel with no light at the end so do me a favor and make it all end so I can tend to a better life. Go on judging me, acting like you know me, your time will come at those judgment gates, with nail marked hands and murderer slapped across your face.
-M

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Blood buzz.

I fall back in your arms because it is tangible, instant security. Real? With every deep sigh I take I can only hope so. He doesn't love you the way I need him too. So I fall back in my chair facing the sun because I can't face the fear of losing him. I have come so far, seen too much, and felt so deeply. You would think foolishness decreases the older you get but it's quite the opposite. You learn just enough to know how to drown out the truths, build up the walls, and fake the happiness. But I am happy, I just don't know if its real or generated. I am on a seesaw of emotions and I just can't seem to find any solid ground to land on. I know this dance very well but I refuse to let go of his hand. The blood rushes through his hands and reach the tip of mine but mine or frozen shut due to all the past lies. Breathe, he tells me. Trust, he whispers. Sometime I just feel like I have seen to much to accept this kind of love.

-M


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Teacups.

The spinning of bodies, circling around like frisbees ready to be caught on a warm summers day, while the more cautious souls stand watch ready to vomit because watching creates more of a sensation then actually riding it. Watching myself in those teacups as a little girl remind me of how maybe loving someone or something is more of a choice then a feeling. I let "I love you's" slip because maybe I need to hear myself say it before feeling it but feeling it only lasts in seconds, it is a choice to want to love someone after they have hurt you. It was easier in those teacups, I was safe, just spinning around watching the world turn and not care whether or not I could see straight afterwards. There was freedom in the simplicity. That's the way it should be.

Disposable.

Dispose of all the roots you planted,
cause' manmade bulbs have all been forgotten.
Push me around,
But don't look down,
at the cracks my collapse could make.
Expose my holes
but dont think of them growing larger,
from the growth you needed your self,
don't you dare point out my flaws, at least mine have been forgiven.

You revved me up, just to spin me around,
You said this was good for my soul, but all it did was take a toll.
You poked at my holes, just to leave them exposed,
when I am tired I can't seem to inspire,
so I'll write this for my health,
 maybe that will sing for itself.

-M

Meek.

Do you feel my heart beating,
its stopping and then starting,
Can you feel my skin peeling,
it slides right off and then breaks apart.
And I will circle back, for another round,
cause with no feeling, I will hit the ground.

Do you see the lies building,
their stacking tall, creating glass walls.
Can you see my mind spinning,
floating around, uncovering sounds.
And I will circle back, for another round,
cause with no sight, I risk freezing the night.

Do you taste the water running,
it drips with ease, turns into a tease,
Can you taste the air forming,
its consistency of being free, it beckons me.
And I will circle back, for another round,
cause with no taste, I fear the haze.

Do you smell it on me,
the fear inside, dives towards new life.
Can you smell it on me,
the forgetfulness, it leave a scent.
And I won't circle back, for another round,
cause I've come to my senses, no more roundabouts.

-M

Hindsight.

I climb trees in my mind, just to finally reside,

by a river where I can streamline.

I observe peoples paces as they try to deny,

that time has a way of making the blind even lie.



These days carry on just to make a new night,

cause' the moon has a way of welcoming all foreseen fights.

Then the morning drapes itself in white,

while soaking up the broken stones,

Thrown the night before.



I might have broken all of the ties,

but I still think of you from time to time.

You hang your humor out for all to see,

cause' you know with truth comes responsibility.


-M

Moments.

Do you ever look back in time to certain moments where regret and happiness collided but settled there bets to fate? I do. I think the longer I think about things, they eventually spiral out and get sucked into a vortex of awareness, which brings safety. Ever since I was little I always lived my life through circumstance. If it's meant to be it will be. Looking back now it feels like a cop out. Maybe it's my faith based background that caused me to create this safe haven. I grew up seeing my mother fight a disease that she had no control over but never ceased to stop trusting God in. Faith based freedom. I always admired that about her. I remember when I was little I would watch movie trailers on our home computer, mostly romantic comedies, late at night. I can still feel the thrill that those short moments would bring. The endless song, mixed with the culminating of love would always fill my heart just enough to get me through one sleep. At thirteen I diagnosed myself with insomnia, which every thirteen year old with a bedtime would recite some form of eventually. In actuality I was just a restless kid with a heavy heart, that hated the ends of good days. Looking back I realize that my life was filled with detrimental uncertainty and so I learned early on to identify the moments. Moments in which your heart loosens and becomes vulnerable to whatever might be asking it for its presence, because it trusts the moment in which it is in. So I built my heart strings out of different pieces of used tunes and climaxed love because to me, moments was all I had.

 I sink my soul so deeply into every space available because I think that life is just a bunch of loose ends waiting to get pulled on and sewn back together. Maybe I pay too much attention to the frayed ends and not enough to the details in the fabric. I breath my passion to capacity in glimpses of trust and maybe thats me giving my best, but I realize now that giving my best to every circumstance isn't courage, it's security. I don't want my happiness to have a time limit, I want it to breath freely in every inch of life's uncertainty, especially when I am waiting to get sewn back together, because those are the moments in which my heart will learn to be content. 

-M

Hey, I am looking at You.

Have you ever stared at yourself long enough in the mirror hoping that somewhere in your reflection you'll find peace because of the familiarity staring back at you? I have. Sometimes I need to give myself a long hard look, like one I know my mom would have given me if she were here. I think I keep waiting for my life to change, but I am not making time for it too. The older I get the more confused I become about the choices I make for myself. Excuses can only hold so much weight until they collapse and reveal the truth below them. Mine have avalanched and settled on any solid ground that was left for me to rest on. The truth behind every fear is more fear, so when do you stop fearing? Or do you eventually learn to make fear your friend and sit on the ends of trust waiting for some freedom. Somehow between the cigarette smoke and my morning runs, I lost control. Maybe I never had it to begin with, but seeing how most nights I am reconciling with my demons and shielding myself from future ones, I would hope it was all my doing. Blindsided by moments of happiness, I walk through lines of distrust and nostalgia. I told myself to let go but anyone that knows me, knows that it is seemingly impossible for that to happen. I hold tight because trusting comes with more responsibility, it means that I don't only have to manage me, I have to manage you. I have trouble looking at myself in the mirror because I don't find the peace anymore, because I see no similarity in the faces of the past.

-M