Moments.

Do you ever look back in time to certain moments where regret and happiness collided but settled there bets to fate? I do. I think the longer I think about things, they eventually spiral out and get sucked into a vortex of awareness, which brings safety. Ever since I was little I always lived my life through circumstance. If it's meant to be it will be. Looking back now it feels like a cop out. Maybe it's my faith based background that caused me to create this safe haven. I grew up seeing my mother fight a disease that she had no control over but never ceased to stop trusting God in. Faith based freedom. I always admired that about her. I remember when I was little I would watch movie trailers on our home computer, mostly romantic comedies, late at night. I can still feel the thrill that those short moments would bring. The endless song, mixed with the culminating of love would always fill my heart just enough to get me through one sleep. At thirteen I diagnosed myself with insomnia, which every thirteen year old with a bedtime would recite some form of eventually. In actuality I was just a restless kid with a heavy heart, that hated the ends of good days. Looking back I realize that my life was filled with detrimental uncertainty and so I learned early on to identify the moments. Moments in which your heart loosens and becomes vulnerable to whatever might be asking it for its presence, because it trusts the moment in which it is in. So I built my heart strings out of different pieces of used tunes and climaxed love because to me, moments was all I had.

 I sink my soul so deeply into every space available because I think that life is just a bunch of loose ends waiting to get pulled on and sewn back together. Maybe I pay too much attention to the frayed ends and not enough to the details in the fabric. I breath my passion to capacity in glimpses of trust and maybe thats me giving my best, but I realize now that giving my best to every circumstance isn't courage, it's security. I don't want my happiness to have a time limit, I want it to breath freely in every inch of life's uncertainty, especially when I am waiting to get sewn back together, because those are the moments in which my heart will learn to be content. 

-M