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Do you ever feel like you are waiting for something to click? The thing you are needing to load will not download thus allowing you to lead that life you always wanted to lead? Yeah, me too.

It's like my wifi has gone out and I have been using my personal hotspot for the last 12 years . Not every decision I have made has been out of fear or stress but I can tell you it's been out of something that honestly might not have been pure, steadfast intent. I am starting to wonder if I ever will. I see these older couples, walking around the park or grocery store. Ya know, the ones where they seem so content, carefree from the opinions of others on what they should say or do or even wear. They seem downloaded. They exude a confidence of contentedness.

Maybe it's perspective. I hear that alot from Rachel Hollis. Yes, "the girl wash your face," lady. I have read both of her self help books, downloaded all the podcasts, HELL even paid for life coaching. I sound slightly obsessive but when you find a good thing you don't want to miss a thing. The biggest thing I have taken from her is YOU dictate the life you live. No matter how many losses, no matter how many heartbreaks, no matter how many roadblocks, YOU are in control of YOU. It has really spoken to me on many levels but mostly on the" I lost my mom as a teenager and feel desperately lost as a 27 year old," level. 

It's been 12 years this December since she passed. I feel like I have been haunted for last 12 years in the most unsuspecting ways. I ask myself," Why do I allow myself to still be grieving this much." but then again how can I not? There is no road map to the stopping and starting of grief which makes it that much harder to maneuver. As I start mapping out my life as a wife, my life as friend, as a leader, as an aunt, and as a stranger that you just cut off in traffic, I feel tossed. Losing my mom isn't a crutch that I lean on when trying to understand my own self doubt but its a mother fucking cut that I can't seem to get scabbed.

M