sick.

I look at this photo and think two things.

I want to look that cute straddling a fence and I want to pop the hell out of those balloons. 

"Blue skies are coming but I know that it's hard," - Noah and the Whale.

Here it is folks, the wedding week. Sheesh.

Who knew time was on the enemy side. I guess my body senses it as well, because ironically, I am sick.

My nose feels as stuffed as a turkey on thanksgiving day, and I hate stuffing. 

I wish I could reverse time, and travel back into time when I was little.

I would tell myself that life will be hard, so face every pain when it comes so it doesn't build up into walls that I have to lie to climb over.

It's agonizing, it's old and I am backpedaling in circles because I am afraid to take another route.

4 years later here is 19 years of hurt on top of 4 years of problems that my heart never even touched.

You can process pain for years but if you don't connect it to your heart, your picking up papers that have already been graded. I stare at myself and demand freedom, but thats not enough.

My mom desperately and persistently cried out to you for healing, for peace, you gave her 4 years of embarrassingly painful cancer and then healing in the form of death. How bright must my light be for you to see my tears while I attend church full of loss and pain?

 But I still go, that counts for something, right? 

My ways are not your ways,

Thats for sure.

I have to backpedal to start pedaling and that is a tiring thing.

-M