Grateful

Choices.

We all have them. Daily, every second of everyday. We are constantly having to fight for the hard ones, defend the bad ones ands surrender to the good ones. We are delicately tip-toeing on a tight rope of choosing what can satisfy our stability. I never knew choosing could feel so conflicting, and that the act of it would cause plenty of exhales. There are many that I wish my brain batteries were fully charged for, because maybe if they were, I would have less grieving ghosts following me around. 

I chose today. I chose to choose gratefulness over grief. I chose writing over fighting. I chose tears over shit-talking and love over loss. And even though the latter still exist, jumping over timelines to choose what will get me through another day, week, year is what I will choose time after time. Choosing to change can cause tunnels of underground tornadoes but coming down from the spinning can sometimes allow your grieving ghosts to give way to gratefulness. 

-M

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Do you ever feel like you are waiting for something to click? The thing you are needing to load will not download thus allowing you to lead that life you always wanted to lead? Yeah, me too.

It's like my wifi has gone out and I have been using my personal hotspot for the last 12 years . Not every decision I have made has been out of fear or stress but I can tell you it's been out of something that honestly might not have been pure, steadfast intent. I am starting to wonder if I ever will. I see these older couples, walking around the park or grocery store. Ya know, the ones where they seem so content, carefree from the opinions of others on what they should say or do or even wear. They seem downloaded. They exude a confidence of contentedness.

Maybe it's perspective. I hear that alot from Rachel Hollis. Yes, "the girl wash your face," lady. I have read both of her self help books, downloaded all the podcasts, HELL even paid for life coaching. I sound slightly obsessive but when you find a good thing you don't want to miss a thing. The biggest thing I have taken from her is YOU dictate the life you live. No matter how many losses, no matter how many heartbreaks, no matter how many roadblocks, YOU are in control of YOU. It has really spoken to me on many levels but mostly on the" I lost my mom as a teenager and feel desperately lost as a 27 year old," level. 

It's been 12 years this December since she passed. I feel like I have been haunted for last 12 years in the most unsuspecting ways. I ask myself," Why do I allow myself to still be grieving this much." but then again how can I not? There is no road map to the stopping and starting of grief which makes it that much harder to maneuver. As I start mapping out my life as a wife, my life as friend, as a leader, as an aunt, and as a stranger that you just cut off in traffic, I feel tossed. Losing my mom isn't a crutch that I lean on when trying to understand my own self doubt but its a mother fucking cut that I can't seem to get scabbed.

M

Votum Vovit

As I was writing this trying to come up with the greatest piece of love literature that ever existed, I realized that our story is just that. I remember when I was 18 I promised myself that I would NEVER let anyone else love me. I was standing in Diane's basement bathroom searching for peace amongst my tears and knew that I could never let this happen again, I could never let myself be whole again. I felt this gaping hole in my heart that I wouldn't even let Jesus fill and I felt loss for the first time. I felt it would be an injustice to my mom to cope and move on, so I didn't. Well not for awhile at least. God decided he was tired of waiting and met me in my loneliest places and started changing my heart. I never stopped believing in God, I just felt so hurt and abandoned that I kept him at a distance, but I knew one day I would have to give it up. It was around the time my sister got engaged and I really saw my sister healed and whole from all the time she had put in with herself and their relationship. I saw what it meant to love someone even with a broken heart. When I met you, I never knew you would be the one to show me that same thing. You brought me hope, joy and showed me selfless love when I felt unlovable. You showed me how to love again, and that 14 year old girl who never knew loss, she felt that freedom of choice and courage again.

So I have loved you 1539 days...

I vow to be patient even when your driving, I vow to trust you in all things, I vow to have integrity in our marriage and in parenthood, I vow to remember what is stable not what is empty, I vow to be a loyal best friend and to always laugh with you in every mistake, I vow to pursue you even when we are at odds, I vow to be forgiving when you or I make mistakes, I vow to respect you, encourage you and cherish you through sorrow and success, I vow to stick by you through sickness and health and never take you for granted, I vow to always put God first and you second, I vow to be your encourager in adventure and your forever responsible drinking buddy.  I vow to love you fiercely and honestly for all the days of my life. This I vow to you.

Last Minute.

When I think of this last year, I think of the last minute moments. 

  The in-between, unplanned moments where my team and I would connect, create, or care for each other.  I have had the pleasure of being a part of some of the coolest last minute ideas. Whether it be brainstorming our next social media campaign, or laughing our heads off in the middle of the allatoona. I have felt it all. I look at all the good and think to myself, " How could I leave this?" I don't know really. This will be the first big decision I will make to change my direction, and I am scared. I calm my doubts by saying " it's just a job." I am too smart to actually think that. It's a routine, a friendship, a future. Am I foolish? Will I regret this? I don't know. My head and my heart have decided for me. It has been one of the most exhausting years of my life. Besides the one where my mom passed. There has been some serious growth in every area and for that I will be eternally grateful for Reformation in my life. It has challenged me more than anything else in my life, it has been a pleasure to watch a dream be made. 

  

  Should I stay Or Should I go? That I do not know. 

-M

Grateful

Choices. 

We all have them. Daily, every second of everyday. We are constantly having to fight for the hard ones, defend the bad ones and surrender to the good ones. We are delicately tip-toeing on a tight rope of choosing what can satisfy our stability. I never knew choosing could feel so conflicting, and that the act of it would cause plenty of exhales. There are many that I wish my brain batteries were fully charged for, because maybe if they were, I would have had been able to work through the clutter more quickly. 

I chose today. I chose to choose gratefulness over grief. I chose writing over fighting. I chose tears over shit-talking and love over loss. And even though the latter still exist, jumping over timelines to choose what will get me through another day, week, year is what I will choose time after time. Choosing to change can cause tunnels of underground tornadoes but coming down from the spinning can sometimes allow your grieving heart give way to gratefulness. 

-M

Moss.

Loss is frightening,
it is quite heightening,
Loss forgets about delighting.

Loss is like moss,
seeps underground,
with time grows all over you.

It wears different colors,
likes to be bothered.
It feels everything,
and nothing at all.

It comes and go's,
will teach you to cope,
to not forget hope.

 Loss has a beginning,
and if you let it,
no end.

-M




  

Stages.

I wish you were here to see who I have become.

I wish you could see the holes and fill them with your full hands and big smile.

I wish you would be the one to hold my heart when I have lost who I am, because you always understood the true parts of me.

I wish you would settle me, encourage me, and teach me to fight for people who would fight for me.

I wish you could help me understand more of this love thang, I have a hard time trusting myself in it.

I wish you could hug him.

Tell him how loved he is and will always be,
You were so good at that.

I hope that you see me, living my life day by day and embracing people as much as my heart can take.

I hope you see me being imperfect, but fighting for more.

I know you are proud.

I know you would love him.

I know you wish all these things too...

-M