Diamonds in hammocks.

I walked across this water that you used to sail upon hoping that you would see, and maybe believe, but  all I saw were ghosts that were screaming for more than what the present served.
I could be mistaken but being mistaken sounds better than being afraid or robbed so I will settle my bets and head back east where the water isn't so rough. I let you rob me of my sleep and enter into my dreams because as much as I don't want to make your house a home, I end up reorganizing mine to find room for you. The steeple is our barrier between was is real and what is make believe, but we always loved Harry Potter so why can't we just have a temporary fix to ease this ache that echoes through halls of books written without words because we don't need to read them to understand them. Maybe I do love you, my friend said once that to be able to love, one must show, just like an infant trying to walk.

With charged touch and oval sighs , I walk behind you as a precaution to our electric hands might collide and send shock waves though our audience, but then again who gives a shit. Maybe all our jewels are stored up in heaven but sitting with you in that hammock felt like a diamond in the rough.

-M

Stage Fright.

I quiver with each release my body makes when I splash a smile on someone else's face or grab the attention of the person I am seeking for, while applauding others to seek applause, but hearing nothing but my squeaky core, cleaning up from another late-night, messy performance.

It always starts with a "Hello," and ends with a " Wait! Have I done everything right? Do you think I am funny? What about cute? Good. I have done my job right." 

Insecurities play with the secured and unsecured and prey on the most able and fit.  This turns simple into fatal. I fear waking up and not being enough. I fear that God's love won't be enough for me at the end of day, and that when someone wants to love me, I won't be able too, because I would feel like I  don't deserve it. 

I let people exhaust me and if I don't have enough energy to satisfy my friends I will isolate and hide away and until my strength is regained. "I am enough, " he says. I am beloved and when I am down, he  can handle it, my friends can handle and my family can. I am fighting everyday for my freedom in security. For the truth of who I am. And for the freedom of love and trust. Life is hard, God's life for us is simple, in his arms that is. 

Your beloved, remember that mates.

-M

Rest stops.

One moment I feel the excitement of living across the county can bring, the next I want to be settled in, with kids and a dog, feeling satisfied with myself and with my life.
I think the on and off sensation, of one extreme to next, is built up from the undeniable sense of trying to relate myself and see myself as someone in the world.
But I have to be reminded that as many times as I stumble into nonsense and question my motives in things, that at the end of the tunnel, there is God; smiling, nodding and kindly whispering " I know you, but do you know me enough to know yourself?"
Adventure is a symptom of passion.
Its okay to change our minds and run to the left and then after a long journey decide to go the right.
Thats what rest stops are for right?
***
God is finding ways to push me back into him, I feel pursued, I feel comforted by that, and I catch myself thinking more often of ways to make him the center of my day rather than a part.
I compartmentalize like Ikea does with their stores except I don't get the motivation to put it all together myself. I know I am not alone in this, but I know I can't change by myself. God is so faithful and he continues to prove that to me. Help me lord to take captive my thoughts, and strive for truth, your truth.

-M

365 Days.

" I am not a careless god. When I allow difficulties to come into your life, I equip you fully to handle them. Relax in my presence , trusting in my strength."
- Jesus calling, Sarah Young.


As I am venturing out on my own( again) and learning how to follow my own lead rather than the lead that makes sense to me since I was child, I am starting to find a rhythm all my own. I find myself making dinner with ease and being alone, rejuvenating. The more I shift through things and choices that sound good to me and that I have never tried, the more I find God in everything I choose. I find freedom in fear and satisfaction in loneliness because I know he is good. He knows me more than anyone and he is proving that through old lady's and paddle boarding. I pray that as I continue this route that he will start to mold me and that through the pain, I will choose him every time.

-M

Lately.

Transition: movement, passage, or change from one position, state,stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change: the transition from adolescence to adulthood.

Time-bombs.

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am


- The Fray


I have these times where I am going about my life laughing, staring longingly at the TV thinking about what is next on my agenda, knowing all along that I am in control of my emotional spills and drops. But what I didn't calculate in was that I gave that up 5 years ago when I lost the only thing that kept me going about my day laughing. 

 Tonight I had a spoonful of one of my favorite suspenseful, mid-week, shows called Criminal Minds. It had all my favorite details; the emotional attachments, the blood, the suspenseful climax, and the happy ending, but what I didn't expect was the song that was played during the last scene. It somehow pulled apart all the straightening I had done in the last year and all that was left were tear stained hands and a broken heart. I don't remember my mom as much as i used too, so when I hear a song that makes me think of her, it unfortunately breaks my heart. 
So I cried, then I replayed the song to cry some more, then I stopped because I had to get up to get a tissue. There is no right or no wrong, but to know that at a split second a song can pull me out of this realistic, never ending, day by day stance can be quite alarming. Now what this means no one can know, but what it means to me is that no matter where I go, no matter what I do, know matter who I become, My mom is more than the maker of my DNA, she is a part of me, a surprising time-bomb that explodes at the most insincere moments during the most mundane times and is buried beneath all the hard days work, ready to welcome me home. 
When I am still I know I am with you.
-M

Mundane Mondays.

He will perfect the things that concern me. 

Psalm 138:8.

Promise made.

Promise accepted. 

Concerns are big, God is bigger.

-M