Stage Fright.

I quiver with each release my body makes when I splash a smile on someone else's face or grab the attention of the person I am seeking for, while applauding others to seek applause, but hearing nothing but my squeaky core, cleaning up from another late-night, messy performance.

It always starts with a "Hello," and ends with a " Wait! Have I done everything right? Do you think I am funny? What about cute? Good. I have done my job right." 

Insecurities play with the secured and unsecured and prey on the most able and fit.  This turns simple into fatal. I fear waking up and not being enough. I fear that God's love won't be enough for me at the end of day, and that when someone wants to love me, I won't be able too, because I would feel like I  don't deserve it. 

I let people exhaust me and if I don't have enough energy to satisfy my friends I will isolate and hide away and until my strength is regained. "I am enough, " he says. I am beloved and when I am down, he  can handle it, my friends can handle and my family can. I am fighting everyday for my freedom in security. For the truth of who I am. And for the freedom of love and trust. Life is hard, God's life for us is simple, in his arms that is. 

Your beloved, remember that mates.

-M