Sometimes...

i feel happy, it happens suddenly and at times I don't know how to embrace it.

Not knowing what I will be doing a year from now is terrifyingly free, and when these moments of happiness come along I realize that no matter where I am, as long as I feel this way ( most the time) then I can survive anything. 

-M

Rearview mirror.

My eyes they are forward while always looking back, checking for blind spots that I missed in the past.
My fingers they sweat while switching lanes on the freeway, as my radio blasts M83 midnight city wishing that these streets would exchange addresses, in a flash, with the true desires of places I would rather be.
Lights blink like my mistakes, before my eyes, as I steer and think of clean slates with hope-filled dreams, tweaking the air to a warmer state, I could have made snow balls with my tears that day.

If I keep looking back, there will be nothing to look forward too.

-M

Music.

When words wont do it, and friends can't relate, I turn to the sounds of life, riddled in words from another heart, like mine. The pattering of fingers on the keyboard and deep breaths with every crescendo brings forth another intimate setting in my head of other worlds combined, all there for one reason, to numb my heart and let my mind create a dream similar to many but so original to my eyes. Every drum hit, every cord strum brings more strength to a place that is untouched but is built up of glitter and glue while parachutes fall down on walkable waters from towers made of velcro.
-M

Impostor.

" To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.
- E.E. Cummings

I never used to fight myself the way I do now.
I will be towing away at my normal social interests when out of no where I hear his voice, his crawling words that penetrate more than my ears but my heart, and his slimy tactics to make me feel worthless even in the worthiest of situations, I will feel unfound, uncared for and out of touch, with myself, the world, and God. My voice and his used to become one, they had the same tone, same expectations, same exit signs, but when God pulled my thrifty, riddled heart out and brushed off the fingerprints from the world, he showed me the truth.
I used to believe that I was a problem, a pity hangout, a second option, and a unlovable girl. Its amazing what God's love can reveal.
I am still fighting, but I can't think of a better person to be, but myself in the lord.

-M

Laces.

I book the thoughts that reaapear cause' with every sip my brain dissapears,
Not one can see my deepest needs with walls that climb like my enemys,
and to the tower I must stay with laced up boots and stay awake from my dying moods,
So when the dusk dies must I magnify the tearing muscles that reside inside every thought I take to heal my life, As streaming rain covers my eyes, I think of times where I was circling fields to find the answers that many can not feel, I fake my breaths to keep on track from the storms that come with every attack, every heart attack.
 The exit signs light my path, he is making it easier to not consume my wrath.
H.O.P.E  he owns peoples escapes while trying to ease the earths uncheerful reighn.
I whisper in the night " why such an unpleasant life?"
He screams back "This isn't the only life you will live out in your time!"
Bring me to your house let me rest in your undying mess.
-M

nobody.

"And the tears come streaming down your faceWhen you lose something you can't replaceWhen you love someone but it goes to wasteCould it be worse?"-coldplay.
I have never felt this stanza more than in my life right now.The crescendos and piano solos bring ones soul from the soiled ground, up to the atmosphere of any state of mind, but even in the right moment with the right song and the right person I still feel completely alone and unsatisfied with myself and my tears are staining my thrift store finds and my hiccups wont stop.God might be the answer to my perpetual loneliness but I am starting to believe that my heart will never be whole, and maybe one day it will be full enough to makeshift a seal, but I am tired of fighting myself for it, I am tired of trying to fix it and I am tired of searching for someone to fix it. Fixing it isn't the solution, Living it is. But to answer your question, I don't think there is anything worse than a loss.-M

U-verse.

The beauty in words comes from the beauty in memories, which come from the beauty of love.
-M