Night like these...

On nights like these I wish I was numb,
my eyes would fall back into my head,
 and my thoughts would float along.

On nights like these I can feel all my insides,
begging for a new capsule of life to carry them through the tides.
They pulse through heartache present,
 but sink in heartache past.

On nights like these I force my mind to teleport,
I think of past escapes and build forts,
to cushion me through this fall.

I can feel my heart stretching,
it warms up on nights like these,
hoping to hark all the trouble it went through,
and find justice in its fees.

I know not what triggers this uninvited guest,
but I know on nights like these,
I just want to be put to rest.

-M

Fix.

I crawled into bed, hoping to find that subconscious fix behind my eyes.

My head it hovers over scenary unknown of a utopia that I made when I was just 4 years old.

Color is rare, but spirits are high as I sore across these imaginary lines,

being no stranger to this free falling land, I let my heart whisper of it’s demands.

He listened and cryed alongside the hopeless stutter that speaks of a life much cluttered than others.

So he hovered along, scheming the snatching,

of a heart thats not one for catching.

 Just as he reached for the unattainable gift, my eyes started bouncing and my heart skipped a beat, which made my utopia all just a dream. 

-M

Shiver.

There are a few things that make me shiver. 

That make me breath deeper, think longer, and stare mindlessly. 

Recognizing blessings is hard most the time. 

You either think you deserve it, which takes the glory out of it, or you don't realize it at the time, that maybe just maybe its a good thing. 

Delayed realization makes me shiver. 

Its masked figure floats along my stream of subconsciousness and dives into depths that even my therapist can't dig her way into. 

Time heals many things, but only if your letting it. 

I was watching an old episode of "Keeping up with the Kardashians,"

Harass me as you will, but reality TV has a hold of me. 

The dad of the kardashians died back in 2003 from cancer, i believe, and it was a show dedicated to him.

At the end they showed a bunch of old videos from the family with the dad in it.

I broke.

I couldn't believe that this not so realistic show made me cry, dead dogs don't even make me cry, but something in this grabbed a hold of me and reflected the sadness that rests in my current living soul.

i didn't see there home videos, i saw mine. 

I saw every christmas I shared with my mom, every recital she consistently taped, and every smile she flashed as I made her proud. 

It sucks to lose someone you love so deeply but never really knew.

I don't let myself say that enough and the times I do it usually isn't the appropriate time and place.

But when is it ever pleasant to bring up your dead mom, it might as well be a mute subject, ha ha ha.

I feel her more in me lately then ever before. I see her when I am strong and relentless, and when I decide to take the high road in hurt rather than lash out.

I am thankful for the 15 years I had with her, I just wish I acted like it more in them. 

All good things will be eternal, and for that I can't wait to see her again. 

Love you mom, eternally.

-m

Dealing...

I have been dealt some hard cards lately, But, recently my luck has took a turn.

Lets just say I won't need my poker face anymore. =)

-M

" Excuse me, while my heart falls,"

I listen without ears and laugh without air,
My eyes are stuck in a deadlock stare.
As I whisper and weep of the last past scare,
My feet start clicking like a time bomb dare.

My fingers they lust over movements unknown,
while flexing there skin over keys that are toned.
Could this tired hand be close to the end,
of uncovering the truth about this color blind friend.

I am surrounded by light but there is clouds in the way,
So I bury my good fortune at the bottom of the bay.
The beating of drums resides in my chest
while the whizzing of wind puts my  good fortune to test.

I wish without wishes and pray without life,
yet I throw my pennies and close my eyes.
I looked straight at you, but all that I saw,
Was the heart that had fallen the night I cried my first tune.
-M

Here it goes again....

Listen, dance, Sing REPEAT.

Cause here it goes again...

-M

Wakeup.

-M