Moments.

Do you ever look back in time to certain moments where regret and happiness collided but settled there bets to fate? I do. I think the longer I think about things, they eventually spiral out and get sucked into a vortex of awareness, which brings safety. Ever since I was little I always lived my life through circumstance. If it's meant to be it will be. Looking back now it feels like a cop out. Maybe it's my faith based background that caused me to create this safe haven. I grew up seeing my mother fight a disease that she had no control over but never ceased to stop trusting God in. Faith based freedom. I always admired that about her. I remember when I was little I would watch movie trailers on our home computer, mostly romantic comedies, late at night. I can still feel the thrill that those short moments would bring. The endless song, mixed with the culminating of love would always fill my heart just enough to get me through one sleep. At thirteen I diagnosed myself with insomnia, which every thirteen year old with a bedtime would recite some form of eventually. In actuality I was just a restless kid with a heavy heart, that hated the ends of good days. Looking back I realize that my life was filled with detrimental uncertainty and so I learned early on to identify the moments. Moments in which your heart loosens and becomes vulnerable to whatever might be asking it for its presence, because it trusts the moment in which it is in. So I built my heart strings out of different pieces of used tunes and climaxed love because to me, moments was all I had.

 I sink my soul so deeply into every space available because I think that life is just a bunch of loose ends waiting to get pulled on and sewn back together. Maybe I pay too much attention to the frayed ends and not enough to the details in the fabric. I breath my passion to capacity in glimpses of trust and maybe thats me giving my best, but I realize now that giving my best to every circumstance isn't courage, it's security. I don't want my happiness to have a time limit, I want it to breath freely in every inch of life's uncertainty, especially when I am waiting to get sewn back together, because those are the moments in which my heart will learn to be content. 

-M

Hey, I am looking at You.

Have you ever stared at yourself long enough in the mirror hoping that somewhere in your reflection you'll find peace because of the familiarity staring back at you? I have. Sometimes I need to give myself a long hard look, like one I know my mom would have given me if she were here. I think I keep waiting for my life to change, but I am not making time for it too. The older I get the more confused I become about the choices I make for myself. Excuses can only hold so much weight until they collapse and reveal the truth below them. Mine have avalanched and settled on any solid ground that was left for me to rest on. The truth behind every fear is more fear, so when do you stop fearing? Or do you eventually learn to make fear your friend and sit on the ends of trust waiting for some freedom. Somehow between the cigarette smoke and my morning runs, I lost control. Maybe I never had it to begin with, but seeing how most nights I am reconciling with my demons and shielding myself from future ones, I would hope it was all my doing. Blindsided by moments of happiness, I walk through lines of distrust and nostalgia. I told myself to let go but anyone that knows me, knows that it is seemingly impossible for that to happen. I hold tight because trusting comes with more responsibility, it means that I don't only have to manage me, I have to manage you. I have trouble looking at myself in the mirror because I don't find the peace anymore, because I see no similarity in the faces of the past.

-M

You are making me new.

"Beautiful Things"

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

-Gungor

Sometimes all you need is a song to pull you out of your self hatred and realize that life is a bunch of loose ends, and nothing is obsolete.

-M

Wednesdays.

Honey, It's Alright

wake up, it's morning
wake up, my darling
wake up and see for yourself

you were woven in patchwork
clouded and hazed
in your past like a lover can be

honey, it's alright to be
alone

despite all our shuffling
our train wreck a-talking
despite all our outfield saves
treading water
the sea was your daughter
but now she's gone
gone

it's alright
honey, it's alright
it's alright to be alone

honey, it's alright
honey, it's alright
to be amongst the rubble and stone

-Gregory Alan Isakov


-M

Wailing Wall.

It's the cold autumn air you breath out when you sigh after exiting a coffee shop where you met your friend to share some life with. 

It's the silence outside in between the early morning and the late night where existence bows to itself and rest its hands on the shoulders of earth. 

It's the deep breath you take after releasing tears of fear from the undoing he is capable of from taking too much from you.

It's the song you hear, when nothing was said, but doesn't need to be, because your hearing it all now.

It's the laughing by yourself after watching something you knew she would have loved, so you laugh harder to make up for her absence. 

It's the old writings you kept to just relive those heart pangs to make sure you never die without feeling alive again.

It's the old forgotten photographs you find when you need some peace with time. 

It's the rest during an embrace when he knows you heart needs some lifting. 

It's the understanding eye contact you share with a sibling during an uncomfortable situation. 

It's the peace you find with driving around aimlessly with no expectation of destination. 

It's you.

-M

Congestion.

Time has a way of uncovering the truth behind things. I just wish I didn't have so many things.

-M

Not You and Me.

It's happening again,
the pain seeps into every scent,
I am calling you my friend,
but I am starting to think thats a start to the end,
I didn't want you to be the imposture,
I just wanted you to see what I can foster,
cause love comes at a pace thats not you and me.

It's like the trees in the winter,
they have nothing to offer,
I am settling all my sins,
cause I want a life well lived,
your afraid of the creature within,
but your really afraid of losing him,
cause I know what's like to make pain your friend.

I can still hear your whispers,
there like a rush of cold water,
I am stretching out my hands,
to pull up all the rocks you left on my land,
although I might be more exposed,
it will allow for more needed growth,
cause I am tired of excusing all of your mistakes,
and I am tired thinking about you when it gets late...


-M