Disposable.

Dispose of all the roots you planted,
cause' manmade bulbs have all been forgotten.
Push me around,
But don't look down,
at the cracks my collapse could make.
Expose my holes
but dont think of them growing larger,
from the growth you needed your self,
don't you dare point out my flaws, at least mine have been forgiven.

You revved me up, just to spin me around,
You said this was good for my soul, but all it did was take a toll.
You poked at my holes, just to leave them exposed,
when I am tired I can't seem to inspire,
so I'll write this for my health,
 maybe that will sing for itself.

-M

Meek.

Do you feel my heart beating,
its stopping and then starting,
Can you feel my skin peeling,
it slides right off and then breaks apart.
And I will circle back, for another round,
cause with no feeling, I will hit the ground.

Do you see the lies building,
their stacking tall, creating glass walls.
Can you see my mind spinning,
floating around, uncovering sounds.
And I will circle back, for another round,
cause with no sight, I risk freezing the night.

Do you taste the water running,
it drips with ease, turns into a tease,
Can you taste the air forming,
its consistency of being free, it beckons me.
And I will circle back, for another round,
cause with no taste, I fear the haze.

Do you smell it on me,
the fear inside, dives towards new life.
Can you smell it on me,
the forgetfulness, it leave a scent.
And I won't circle back, for another round,
cause I've come to my senses, no more roundabouts.

-M

Hindsight.

I climb trees in my mind, just to finally reside,

by a river where I can streamline.

I observe peoples paces as they try to deny,

that time has a way of making the blind even lie.



These days carry on just to make a new night,

cause' the moon has a way of welcoming all foreseen fights.

Then the morning drapes itself in white,

while soaking up the broken stones,

Thrown the night before.



I might have broken all of the ties,

but I still think of you from time to time.

You hang your humor out for all to see,

cause' you know with truth comes responsibility.


-M

Moments.

Do you ever look back in time to certain moments where regret and happiness collided but settled there bets to fate? I do. I think the longer I think about things, they eventually spiral out and get sucked into a vortex of awareness, which brings safety. Ever since I was little I always lived my life through circumstance. If it's meant to be it will be. Looking back now it feels like a cop out. Maybe it's my faith based background that caused me to create this safe haven. I grew up seeing my mother fight a disease that she had no control over but never ceased to stop trusting God in. Faith based freedom. I always admired that about her. I remember when I was little I would watch movie trailers on our home computer, mostly romantic comedies, late at night. I can still feel the thrill that those short moments would bring. The endless song, mixed with the culminating of love would always fill my heart just enough to get me through one sleep. At thirteen I diagnosed myself with insomnia, which every thirteen year old with a bedtime would recite some form of eventually. In actuality I was just a restless kid with a heavy heart, that hated the ends of good days. Looking back I realize that my life was filled with detrimental uncertainty and so I learned early on to identify the moments. Moments in which your heart loosens and becomes vulnerable to whatever might be asking it for its presence, because it trusts the moment in which it is in. So I built my heart strings out of different pieces of used tunes and climaxed love because to me, moments was all I had.

 I sink my soul so deeply into every space available because I think that life is just a bunch of loose ends waiting to get pulled on and sewn back together. Maybe I pay too much attention to the frayed ends and not enough to the details in the fabric. I breath my passion to capacity in glimpses of trust and maybe thats me giving my best, but I realize now that giving my best to every circumstance isn't courage, it's security. I don't want my happiness to have a time limit, I want it to breath freely in every inch of life's uncertainty, especially when I am waiting to get sewn back together, because those are the moments in which my heart will learn to be content. 

-M

Hey, I am looking at You.

Have you ever stared at yourself long enough in the mirror hoping that somewhere in your reflection you'll find peace because of the familiarity staring back at you? I have. Sometimes I need to give myself a long hard look, like one I know my mom would have given me if she were here. I think I keep waiting for my life to change, but I am not making time for it too. The older I get the more confused I become about the choices I make for myself. Excuses can only hold so much weight until they collapse and reveal the truth below them. Mine have avalanched and settled on any solid ground that was left for me to rest on. The truth behind every fear is more fear, so when do you stop fearing? Or do you eventually learn to make fear your friend and sit on the ends of trust waiting for some freedom. Somehow between the cigarette smoke and my morning runs, I lost control. Maybe I never had it to begin with, but seeing how most nights I am reconciling with my demons and shielding myself from future ones, I would hope it was all my doing. Blindsided by moments of happiness, I walk through lines of distrust and nostalgia. I told myself to let go but anyone that knows me, knows that it is seemingly impossible for that to happen. I hold tight because trusting comes with more responsibility, it means that I don't only have to manage me, I have to manage you. I have trouble looking at myself in the mirror because I don't find the peace anymore, because I see no similarity in the faces of the past.

-M

You are making me new.

"Beautiful Things"

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

-Gungor

Sometimes all you need is a song to pull you out of your self hatred and realize that life is a bunch of loose ends, and nothing is obsolete.

-M

Wednesdays.

Honey, It's Alright

wake up, it's morning
wake up, my darling
wake up and see for yourself

you were woven in patchwork
clouded and hazed
in your past like a lover can be

honey, it's alright to be
alone

despite all our shuffling
our train wreck a-talking
despite all our outfield saves
treading water
the sea was your daughter
but now she's gone
gone

it's alright
honey, it's alright
it's alright to be alone

honey, it's alright
honey, it's alright
to be amongst the rubble and stone

-Gregory Alan Isakov


-M

Wailing Wall.

It's the cold autumn air you breath out when you sigh after exiting a coffee shop where you met your friend to share some life with. 

It's the silence outside in between the early morning and the late night where existence bows to itself and rest its hands on the shoulders of earth. 

It's the deep breath you take after releasing tears of fear from the undoing he is capable of from taking too much from you.

It's the song you hear, when nothing was said, but doesn't need to be, because your hearing it all now.

It's the laughing by yourself after watching something you knew she would have loved, so you laugh harder to make up for her absence. 

It's the old writings you kept to just relive those heart pangs to make sure you never die without feeling alive again.

It's the old forgotten photographs you find when you need some peace with time. 

It's the rest during an embrace when he knows you heart needs some lifting. 

It's the understanding eye contact you share with a sibling during an uncomfortable situation. 

It's the peace you find with driving around aimlessly with no expectation of destination. 

It's you.

-M

Congestion.

Time has a way of uncovering the truth behind things. I just wish I didn't have so many things.

-M

Not You and Me.

It's happening again,
the pain seeps into every scent,
I am calling you my friend,
but I am starting to think thats a start to the end,
I didn't want you to be the imposture,
I just wanted you to see what I can foster,
cause love comes at a pace thats not you and me.

It's like the trees in the winter,
they have nothing to offer,
I am settling all my sins,
cause I want a life well lived,
your afraid of the creature within,
but your really afraid of losing him,
cause I know what's like to make pain your friend.

I can still hear your whispers,
there like a rush of cold water,
I am stretching out my hands,
to pull up all the rocks you left on my land,
although I might be more exposed,
it will allow for more needed growth,
cause I am tired of excusing all of your mistakes,
and I am tired thinking about you when it gets late...


-M

Chances.

I never was good at saying no. Listening to my heart has gotten me this far that I might as well follow its lead. I prepared my heart for this, for the imperceptible electric energy that only bystanders can sense but  can not warn because the force alone blinds those affected by it. The second you said my name, I feel back into you. How foolish I was to think I could tell my heart no. The distance made it easier, I didn't see you, talk to you, hear about you, so to me there was no you. But there you were standing on my friends back porch, with your denim shirt and your cheeky smile, I had no where to run but back into you. We kept our hearts at a distance for insurance purposes and but sacrificed our souls because kissing you kept me connected even if only for a minute, I could feel your heart. I never knew I could fall for someone so deeply in a month. I guess I thought it was possible, but the distance you have to dig to pull me out usually sends most people straight to the hospital for exhaustion. You made it seem flawlessly simple and still kept me around. I questioned you on everything, because I didn't trust you. I guess the thought of this expiring soon in the back of my head made me think it was in the back of yours too, but it wasn't. You were living in the moment and that lead me to live with you there, and what I found in those places were happiness, and peace. I just wanted you no matter what you were feeling, I knew holding you outside on my front porch was what I was looking for in the moment and that was enough. Those moments have passed and been made into memories but as you readjust into melbourne and as I try to find a new normal we took a risk and found ourselves loving each other across seas. I hold your words like they are the world, and imagine you holding me while saying them. Fear swarms my mind like bees to a nest but fear has never won and will not win now. My strength is too experienced to be pulled apart know, I just need to remember that on these summer nights and begin to face reality and know that you can exist in it. Day by day I will walk with you because I like you enough to want to love you.


-M

Water.

You take me out just to break me in,

but your folly is that you can see the end.

Shocked me like wave, it tore down all my shame

but it came back to haunt me anyways.

You follow me around like smoke after flames,
One thought collapses while another relapses,
and I am getting better at dodging hearts,
so I don't have to restart.

These waves consume the breath left in me,
cause these lungs are too filled to breath so freely.
You walked right through, these waves that consume,
and breathed living life back in me.

I swam alongside you, to try and hide from you,
but you have walked these waters before,
and have seen the swaying storms.
So I swam behind you instead,
and surrendered my struggling sight.

Surrendering was the best thing I could have done.

-M

Snowballs.

I walk outside and find icicles forming, hanging on by the breeze of 30 degree weather, while the barren trees bow like princes in the middle east. There are many instantaneous thoughts that occur within the span of 20 minute walk, up and down these exhausted trails trying to find some relief from these fears of mine. My beliefs build like sand dunes during hurricane season and I can't seem to let the rushing waters in. I could built a fort in the middle of the mountain and throw leaves in a fire and watch them crackle like confetti but they would just blow away. You throw your jokes around like I throw myself down, cause making me feel stupid gives you control, but these trails I have never walked before. You care enough about me to want to walk ahead of me but your direction is stained from your lack of highs and the your resistance of no's, so don't think for a second I would follow you into the dark. Your truthful signs light your path to understanding but darling you hold me back from ever being able to change the light bulbs. I can't stop dropping myself on and off from you, just stop taking back what you say, cause I will run, straight into the snowy mountains where everything will snowball right back to you.

-M

Seams.

 This pattern has stitching that many can't sew,
it feeds on decrepit threads that are scattered like crows.
The edges are burned from ancient desires,
and all that remains are the ashes of liars.

It stretches you out to challenge your dreams,
while picking at details that lay in your seams.
One needle runs circles all in the fabric,
the other sporadic with all its safe antics.

As the design starts to unravel,
my heart is spreads gravel,
to make it harder for you to dabble in,
cause' these needles are picking away at my skin.

-M

92.

You sucked me dry of all my highs and sank me softly to the ground, where all my fates collide. My blood is young, But my these eyes are aged and have seen some heartache, so stop bracing me for a fall that has no break, isn't this all just a game anyways?

Your dreams are made, mine are still forgiving so I hope and I pray and I hope that somehow yours will align with mine. But I am young, how could You let me forget, I don't know what life is about, why don't you look at your own heart before you start throwing darts. You older now and just as lost, I found mine the day I gave it up. Your easier read than done and I am still trying not to get bored from reading the same book twice.

-M