Pause.

On most occasions I look at myself with disgust and disappointment knowing that the vivid truths that linger inside my heart were not acted out the way I desire them to be. God has always been there in every act of sin he rests there like a baby bird trusting his mother will bring food to the nest. Even through my deepest, dirtiest thoughts he sits and waits for an invitation to come and walk with me through the dim lighted rooms and listen to my cry of despair from the blinding lies I have listened too from the worlds lips. He never questions my motives but instead brings compassion to the core of my being and delivers my mistrust with wisdom and fearless love knowing that my mind is in a temporary state. "Wholeness is brokenness owned and thereby healed," he speaks over me while I pace through my thoughts hoping to adhere my pain and make it be acceptable for the actions I display. He grows me in the night, while I settle down to my place of rest he leads me back into the regions that I have made difficult for entry and so he teleports me instead and shows the bygone thoughts I said adieu too so that I could pilgrimage forward into new land. He doesn't forget much like my imperfect mind though and shows me that moving forward must mean turning back to unfertilized grounds to help root the past with present thus paving the future for my desirable life, the life God gave me freely, so I can choose to love  and fight for his truth in everything I do not forgetting that I am abba's child, and I am loved.


Lately I have really let God show me his truth in my life and let his love wash over me and make me new. I daily ask the hard questions to God about my pain, about my loss and about my misdirection, but he continues to grow me through that despite my doubts, despite my anger, and despite my weakness. He asks me to listen, so I pause and wait for his glory and direction to reign over my night and over my day.
-Beloved
-M

sundays.

-M

Hermit.

This morning I sat down to read out of a book that was suggested to me by my therapist a few weeks ago.
Slowly I have let its full bearded claws dig into my groomed soul and really do the work needed to me by God.
Many things in this book have paralleled my current being and have regurgitated thoughts that before I read them was not aware of their existence.
This morning in particular though I read a story that rang true to my heart and I would like to share it with you...
"There was a harried executive who went to the desert father and complained about his frustration in prayer, his flawed virtue, and his failed relationships. The hermit listened closely to his visitors rehearsal of the struggle and disappointments in trying to lead a christian life. He then went into the dark recesses of his cave and came out with a basin and a pitcher of water.
""Now watch the water as I pour in into the basin,"" the hermit says. The water splashed on the bottom and against the sides of the container. It was agitated and turbulent. At first the stirred-up water swirled around the inside of the basin; then it gradually began to settle, until finally the small fast ripples evolved into larger swells that oscillated back and forth. Eventually, the surface became so smooth that the visitor could see  his face reflected in the placid water. "" That is the way it is when you live constantly in the midst of others,"" said the hermit. "" You do not see yourself as you really are because of all the confusion and disturbance. You fail to recognize the divine presence in your life and the consciousness of your belovedness slowly fades."" - Abba's Child by Brennan Manning.

So much of my time is spent conversing and analyzing my walk with God, and trying to understand his ways. Which is something he wants us to live out but I have been going about it all wrong. We are made for relationships, but without really knowing my own belovedness how can I touch the sacredness of others? Simply resting in the solitude of silence can bring that truth and that deep sense of belonging that so many of us stray away from because we think that it must be more complex than what is spoken to us simply in the word of God. Finding my Identity in God is something I have always strived to accomplish but its really about walking with God in everything I do and that is where I will find his identity and with that I will find mine. Gods love is simple, don't let the ways of the world let you think anything different loves.

-M

Clouds.

The sun breaks the darkness so the clouds can shift into another space and haunt the sky with its shattering effect of loneliness, the lights not predictable nor the darkness but If it was then there would be unnecessary amount of control that doesn't exist for any one.  There is silence wrapping our ears and eyes, its the same sound that found me and saved me from myself, so I follow it to its cavity and look at the earth as if there is no living existence, like silence was before sound, and truth before lies.

-M

Spin me around to just pin me down...

I wish control wasn't such a benefactor in happiness for me. 

I try so hard to expect the unexpected but something always spins me round and then runs away like the coward it is, and I am left finding my footing again and wondering what happened. 

Letting go would be inconceivable so I am left to cook up some coping with a store bought side of doubt. 

But the truth is I just want to be known, I feel thats what anybody wants sometimes, I spin myself around to find my OWN footing and all God really wants from me right now is to rest in him, he just wants to pin me down.

I feel my stomach drop like a penny off of the empire state building when I hear those certain songs that prick my perpetually healing flesh, I have no control in the matter. My thoughts let me down every time I hear these strung out sounds and in a flash I am back in the 4 bedroom house with strangers from my own blood and sighs a mile high with no outer space for them to float upon. I guess our thoughts lead us back into dark spaces to remind us of the journey, I just wish mine would send a warning flare before launch. 

-M

Turkey.

 Now that all the cooked thanksgiving turkeys are gobbled away, I decided that I couldn't get enough of the bronze- feathered poultry bird, so I decided today that I am going turkey, cold turkey that is.
I started smoking cigarettes about 5 months ago in an effort to identify with my lost generation, however it somehow committed identity theft and stole my identity along the way.
Its true when people say that marijuana is a gateway drug. She doesn't invite you in to sample new drugs but mary jane has some friends that tend to hang around with her. So stick around long enough and you will meet them. I started smoking weed this summer to individualize myself from my family, well thats what I tell people when they find out, but truly I did it to ease the current transition going on in my life and find some outlet to hide from all my pain. Smoking weed started becoming a ritual for me, my friends and I would hangout, grab some food, smoke the bong then well do whatever seemed appetizing at the time. In moments of sobriety I would question myself but the triggers of life kept pushing me farther away from any solid truth and I let it. I thought it was a temporary high, no pun intended, and I knew that I would sober up from the idea but soon enough I would realize that only I can make the decision to stop and not depend on anyones help, because I wouldn't listen. Soon after I started buying my own weed I started smoking cigarettes, trust me I KNOW there is a HUGE difference, but the reality is, is that it still is an addiction no matter when or where or why you smoke them. I didn't take smoking them to seriously because I knew I could control my own intake of them. My reasoning was " I choose to buy the packs, I choose to smoke them or not," Seems pretty kosher right? Well that would have worked out nice if half of my friends didn't smoke them as well. I do tend to be swayed quite gracefully by peoples actions, and even though I am an adult and can make my own decisions, I still base mine of my friends and thats something I am working on. It took a scan of a young, drugged out, glimmering audience ,at a concert, to help me uncover the impostor I have let run my emotional and  spiritual life the last few years and I wanted out.

When I came back I decided that despite the loss I might experience with quitting smoking weed and cigarettes  I know the gain I will experience will be where I want to be and where God wants me to be. So friends as you read this I hope judgement or pity won't come upon your hearts but strength and courage will be superseded by those thoughts and prayer is always welcomed.

p.s today is the first day. one day at a time, one day at a time.

-M

NEW YEAR, TWO TATTOOS?

I have been wanting one for awhile now as many as you know, and my motivation mixed with my urge has increased in the last 24 hours, you may be seeing some colored skin in the next week =)

-M

Aftermaths

The aftermath of this year has lead me to many different places.

different address, different hairstyle, different family, different job, different plans.
Considering there is 365 days in a year pretty much sums up the reasoning behind all these changes, but I, personally, beg to differ.

There are spaces in time where my emotions stretch deeper than the pacific and no matter how long I swim I can never reach the surface. I figured it was some new grief I had to deal with now due to all the new change, but the more and more it happened,it  led me to believe that these certain spaces aren't new at all, but very very very old. Sometimes I would send a S.O.S out to the nearest person, or I train myself to hold my breath, either way I still sink down very quickly and not so quietly. I think the longer you let things stack up the steeper they fall, well of course thats what happens, its pure physics, but what I am getting at is no matter the years that have passed, when I feel the sudden aftermaths I still feel like it was just yesterday when all this chaos unfolded. This year hasn't been full of many surprises, honestly, but it has moved a lot quicker than I would have liked it too. On second thought, I like the way 2012 sounds and besides I think I only have about a year left before the world ends, so I better get to writing ha ha.
Cheers to new adventures, unforeseen love, and more lessons learned, hopefully a little more graceful.

-M