Chameleon.

I feel my whole life has been coping, thinking, accepting,coping thinking, and some loving. Sure on the outside I have had temporary happiness, but I havn't felt that deep, true satisfaction since I learned I could sing when I was little.

I wish I could say God is all I need, that he is faithful and relieves every burden, and loves me; but the last couple of years all I have felt like is a chess piece being moved around periodically space to space. I get that if we actually knew the secrets of life that there wouldn't be any reason to live, there would be no reason to pursue anything or mystery in finding love, but it doesn't make living it any better. To defeat the thoughts of defeat, I find myself reciting God is good, God is good, God is good on a daily basis. No JOKE, More than anything I want that to be one but I do, With my own lips I have to say that to get me through the day, not consistantly but up until the last month I got through my days like that.

I don't want to believe that anymore.

This last semester of school has been more than a few bad grades, it been a wasteland of pain. Aside from the few months following my moms death, I have never felt more alone and to put it plainly, unhappy. I found myself these last couple months reciting curse words instead of encouragements and debating an early death rather than feeling terrified of it. For years now I have felt a since of confusion and dealt with life in some real ways but I am on such a foreign island that I won't even know where to send the smoke signal for someone to save me. I have never felt such a need to isolate myself from myself before, I just want to get back to who I was, or who I always saw myself to be. I am in such a transitioning stage in my life and I would like to blame it on just growing up and realizing how life is, but iamma no fool. I know its so much deeper than that and I have hunted for the roots but every time I find an ounce of relief I am back feeling hopeless.

I think so much deeper than most, not entirely because what I have gone through but because thats me. I feel like writing helps me have some since of control over my life, because I choose to remember what I want too. I have not felt a sense of stability in my life in a really long time and writing makes me feel stable and helps me analyze/ see life less realistic.

I am writing all of this to proclaim that I have never felt more bitter these last two weeks than the lemon I put regularly in my water. Like I said, this last semester I couldn't be farther away from myself then if you dumped me on top of mt. everest and coming home for a whole month of vacation was what I was needing.

So I came home for winter break, heart raw and mind exhausted. Then reality hit, its been 3 years since my mom died and apparently thats been enough time for my dad to start loving someone else.( I don't want you to misunderstand me though, I love my dad and the moment my mom died I realized he would be alone and that I wouldn't be able to ever accept that, so I am not saying that I want him to be alone or never find love)My dad told me the day after christmas that they have been dating. That someone else would be my moms old best friend. Who up until know I called name for most my life. I get it, how selfish to be mad or upset, but why her? why now? On top of the normal insecurities of a step mom figure i am dealing with past drama from her family, long stories, so its alot to swallow. I already felt like a hopeless case with a cold soul and to add this to the equation is just brain freezing. I am so pissed and I am so sad. I feel like I am stuck in the past when everyone else is looking toward the future. I tried ya know, to look to the future and I started getting a panic attack and tired.

There's alot more to the story and to my heart but I wrote you all of this to say that I get it, WELL some of it, of course different stuff but I am there with you, I am bitter and tired of being bitter, tired of sounding bitter, tired of looking bitter but until the acid in my blood finds a refuge, I keep smiling and forcing laughs and maybe, just maybe I will find my way back to my happy spirited self.


-M