Apt. 526

1. su fin es un nuevo comienzo
2. fine è un nuovo inizio
3. fin est un nouveau départ

Well here you go dear friends, three ways to say " An end is a new beginning." Maybe this will give you a fighting chance to not sound as cliche' as the other young adults who are constantly spatting out how new their lives have been compared to yours. Eh, or will just make you sound more intelligent, without all those school loan bills, wait I still have those. 

Today is the first full day in my new apartment. So far...pretty humdrum. Of course all I did was grocery shop and make some necessary moves to the furniture but I guess I needed to settle in before I can settle. This isn't my first time living on my own, but it is my first time living on my own in the state I grew up in,with people my own ageish' and of my own picking. So I guess there are aspects of it that will be fresh. It's funny how you breath in and breath out, and one day you wake with new ideas, new friends, and new socks that are dancing on new floors. I like that aspect of being twenty. No expectations going into this, just to have fun and pursue a happier place in myself that would hopefully make itself home. 

Whenever I make lofty moves, no pun intended, in my life I always feel her smiling at me. Not in a creepy, seancey', spiritual kind of way, more of a intuitive, rest-filled place. I know she would be overjoyed at where I am at, who I am, and who I wanna be. I miss hearing it though. Sometimes I know that just the sound of her voice would put my mind at ease about life, but I think I have to face the fear either way. 

I am excited to face my face with new walls surrounding it with new sounds filling it and new love wrapping it, so to that; Cheers! To an End that is a New beginning, and to many more. 

-M

Facade.

Lately, I have been staring longer into my sphere shaped mirror contemplating my unhappiness while memories of happier times flood my brain waves. I remember vividly being a child and so desperately seeking acceptance. I can almost see myself building up defenses when I was hurt, or surprised or frankly misunderstood. When I was in middle school my youth group would go to these retreats in panama city beach every year. I remember feeling completely understood and happy, but most of all, innocent. My mom had cancer but was not nearly as bad for me to even a shed a tear in her behalf. My mom's death changed me for the better, but being able to unveil that in its entirety will take time and hope, which neither are truly on my side lately. I wish I could pocket those feelings I felt in panama city, surrounded by burned, God-fearing kids, just trying to figure out for themselves what following God looks like, with no other outside distractions severely getting in their ways. I don't know if these feelings are side affects of those facades I developed over time, but I can say that they become overwhelming to the point of paralyzation. Maybe I will look back on this post and think, "Woah, I am glad I walked through that,"but no matter how separated I will get from it, I will still feel the scaring it caused me.

-M 

Nothing Places.

I swing on the back porch swing, with the cold autumn breeze circling around me like a whirlpool catching the leaves as I accelerate while I crunch them as they swirl closer to me,then the chains lock above me, and I am still once again. I intended to catch up on some reading and enjoy some fresh autumn air while doing it, however the air had something else in it for me than that. I reached an understanding with myself in regards to my happiness. Lately I feel more quick to anger and slow to understanding, and well happiness can't keep up with either. Happiness is a choice they say, and i believe them, but when I feel like I have to discipline my self to be happy, thats when I buy a ticket to a foreign land and pretend like I enjoy being lonely. It always starts in my head, travels downstream and lands in  the heart which builds up ,from the damns I have made in the past, so then it proceeds to my chest and sits there, rather rests there. My reservoirs aren't as empty as they used to be so the build up tends to be heavier these days, I guess I haven't opened them up as much as I have built new ones. It's hard when I get in those places. It is a mix between mental paralyzation and emotional merry-go-round. the waters drain as they please, but that seems to be taking more and more time lately, maybe it's global warming of the heart, minus the warming.

I sit silently with discretion to minimize the demise of my mind but the weight left too much of a mark for a quick recovery. I don't know how they start, where they empty out into or how to prevent them, but the walls I put up don't hold them down, so for now I will invest in a safety vest and wish for the best. I am tired of these nothing places that start becoming something places. I feel like they are relentless murmurs reminding me of all the unforgiveness I have or the pain that hasn't been looked over yet. I need to learn how to hold my breath longer and none of this would be a problem.

-M

Perks.

The smiths: Asleep.

Enjoy and try not to fall asleep. HA. Had too.

-M

Grief.

-M

Back and Forth.

I couldn't handle the back and forth.

I am sorry I am not sorry,
That is ultimately what you would say to me, Man up and stand next to your words, you opinions, not behind them. Your a coward to your thoughts and a fool to your mind, but only cause' you let yourself.

Not many people can see you the way I did.
You gave that up the day we required being fought for, so you laid down your sword and decided picking daises in the valley sounded safer... No Shit it is safer, but you gave up a life with me, more than that, with yourself and for that I am sad for you and mad at you.

Maybe you will never clean your eyes from all the lies your momma told you, but if you don't you won't be able to see the big picture, the picture you could have painted for yourself, you do that so nicely.

But if you don't all that will be let is an empty frame, with holes carved from nails that were sacrificed but saved for a rainy day.

I couldn't handle the back and forth, so I stopped going back.

-M

Barrels.

I used to sit by the stairs and listen to you play, just to here a familiar melody coming from a familiar face. I never meant any harm when I would hit the alarm just to see your face narrow and your eyes widen from the shock of unfamiliar sounds, but honestly it would scare me first anyways. The sunlight peers from your windowsill while we corroborate about adventures not yet taken and food not yet tasted, you always loved trying new things. Our laughs were synced by the passion streaming inside our veins and humor was in everything it seemed. I would isolate myself to save the trouble of explaining why I truly can't add up, but you would always followed me into those desolate places where much wasn't let in but I let many things out. You loved me tenderly and held me tightly while leaving space for the things unseen but they were felt regularly.Your glasses were thick just like your fist and your heart was soft for me but solid in times of my need.

-M