Time-bombs.

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know that I am here
Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still, be still, and know

When darkness comes upon you
And covers you with fear and shame
Be still and know that I'm with you
And I will say your name

If terror falls upon your bed
And sleep no longer comes
Remember all the words I said
Be still, be still, and know

And when you go through the valley
And the shadow comes down from the hill
If morning never comes to be
Be still, be still, be still

If you forget the way to go
And lose where you came from
If no one is standing beside you
Be still and know I am

Be still and know that I'm with you
Be still and know I am


- The Fray


I have these times where I am going about my life laughing, staring longingly at the TV thinking about what is next on my agenda, knowing all along that I am in control of my emotional spills and drops. But what I didn't calculate in was that I gave that up 5 years ago when I lost the only thing that kept me going about my day laughing. 

 Tonight I had a spoonful of one of my favorite suspenseful, mid-week, shows called Criminal Minds. It had all my favorite details; the emotional attachments, the blood, the suspenseful climax, and the happy ending, but what I didn't expect was the song that was played during the last scene. It somehow pulled apart all the straightening I had done in the last year and all that was left were tear stained hands and a broken heart. I don't remember my mom as much as i used too, so when I hear a song that makes me think of her, it unfortunately breaks my heart. 
So I cried, then I replayed the song to cry some more, then I stopped because I had to get up to get a tissue. There is no right or no wrong, but to know that at a split second a song can pull me out of this realistic, never ending, day by day stance can be quite alarming. Now what this means no one can know, but what it means to me is that no matter where I go, no matter what I do, know matter who I become, My mom is more than the maker of my DNA, she is a part of me, a surprising time-bomb that explodes at the most insincere moments during the most mundane times and is buried beneath all the hard days work, ready to welcome me home. 
When I am still I know I am with you.
-M

Mundane Mondays.

He will perfect the things that concern me. 

Psalm 138:8.

Promise made.

Promise accepted. 

Concerns are big, God is bigger.

-M

Easy as Mac.

This past year has felt like a hot air balloon ride, climbing heights of fear and flying through air of uncertainty.

I left friendships that were fruitful and I gained awareness of love that was dormant and now is alive and settled. One moment I was sitting in my dorm slurping my midnight snack of easy mac and contemplating whether or not I should finish tomorrow's homework assignments, the next moment I am writing in a house, once visited for shorter visits and for different reasons, crying myself to sleep, but really crying so I can make sense of all this life I have lived. When I was little I thought school, friendships, houses were as easy to acquire as a warm bowl of easy mac, society told me that as long as I believed it could happen, it would. Well society double crossed me, and left out all the difficulties I would have to face to get there.  There are instances when I let myself think, " Would I have been okay to stay at Lee and finish school?" But the reality of the question sets in and I defend myself with saying " No." The truth is that I will never know and never knowing is okay with me, because we make decisions for ourselves based on the currents circumstances and whether or not that was the best decision, it was one I made for myself and I will prosper and grow and live out the best of that decision as I can, to make a life that is still dreamt in day dreams and read in fictional, New York Time's bestseller novels. 

Leaving Lee has brought so many good things my way; my sister, lucy, california, self restoration, and a deep sense of God's love that I knew existed but never could let myself feel. I am proud of the person I have become, that I have fought for, and deciding to go to california and find more of myself there seems like the best decision considering the circumstances. I trust God and I trust family, now let me trust myself.

-M

Smudges.

I could tell you all my secrets,
I could put you in them too,
Because this heart has many sidewalks that I like to trail through.
All these signs I come across,
never seem to phase me too,
Because  I look at them and wonder if your seeing them too.

I mark the spots that make still,
while kicking the rocks that hurts our heels,
Because I walk on the sides of my feet and I tend to fall into feel.
I will hike these many side streets,
to alert my sense of direction,
in case there is any middle ground with this that we could surrender too.

I have smelt the spring air,
and let the pollen fall into my hair,
Because if I couldn't be aware of the grounds I walk upon, then I might as well not care.
I have carried all this with me,
to insure we could grow our own,
Because to me all these smudges,
were once a picture of home.

-M

Sand.

Time is of the essence when time is nothing but a blink of an eye, or a flick of a wrist, or a dance of the twist. 

Somtimes I cry in Front of mirrors in the hope of conFronting the truth behind those tired eyes. 

Shots were fired and struck me like a bird in the middle of hunting season, except I limped to safer ground, to a shelter I made for myself when I lost control of who I let in my life, because I was no longer aloud to choose but aloud to except.

So I limped; quietly, painfully, and quickly. 

I sought cover in the lowest of valleys and looked for help in the wildest of animals but nothing and no where could hide me or heal me. 

Day by Day I seek the day with hesitation and caution, while letting the night swell over me like a piece of rubbish in the pacific. There's no comfort in the changing winds, there's no warmth in the sunrises, and I float along being aware of my clipped side and letting the world speak for me. 

Is it the voices around me that sink me? Or the crashing of the waves that piece me?

Questions are settled and peace is brought upon me but still my mind raises above the heavens and soars above his knowledge above his answers and above is power.

Maybe I have forgotten that I am just a grain of sand; powerless, replaceable and restless in the wind.

I awaken with the forgotten hope of yesterday and shake off the truth of today with a punch of insecurity as the blood rushes from my heart to my mind I make a decision to fight him rather than listen to him.

I have never been good at long distance so I place with the others, not realizing that he created the others and lives above the others, in order to help me re-categorize him because he isn' the same. 

-M

I cry in front of mirrors.

I didn’t know I put you there.

Maybe that’s why every time I look for you somewhere else I can’t find you.

And everytime I hear her name I wanna reclaim you, but theres nothing to reclaim but my own awareness.

I couldn’t begin to try to go back and rearrange you because I am not too good at my own interior design, better yet yours.

The more angry I get at you, the more excuses I make for us, for what we had, for what we didn’t’ have and for what we will never have.

But here  I am, with you there, and as much distance there is, I can’t seem to separate you from my thoughts, and I don’t know if I want too.

And maybe that’s going to hurt me, maybe that’s going to cause me to evict you from there, but I went there and put you there and I don’t want to get rid of you.

So I will listen to her name and I will hear about your smiles and maybe one day I will be the one making you smile, but as long as your smiling, I will smile and I will find someone to smile with.

Just know I did put you there, I put you there first. 

-M

Passion.

" The Heart has her reasons about which the Mind knows nothing,"

-Blaise Pascal.

-M