Grateful

Choices. 

We all have them. Daily, every second of everyday. We are constantly having to fight for the hard ones, defend the bad ones and surrender to the good ones. We are delicately tip-toeing on a tight rope of choosing what can satisfy our stability. I never knew choosing could feel so conflicting, and that the act of it would cause plenty of exhales. There are many that I wish my brain batteries were fully charged for, because maybe if they were, I would have had been able to work through the clutter more quickly. 

I chose today. I chose to choose gratefulness over grief. I chose writing over fighting. I chose tears over shit-talking and love over loss. And even though the latter still exist, jumping over timelines to choose what will get me through another day, week, year is what I will choose time after time. Choosing to change can cause tunnels of underground tornadoes but coming down from the spinning can sometimes allow your grieving heart give way to gratefulness. 

-M

Moss.

Loss is frightening,
it is quite heightening,
Loss forgets about delighting.

Loss is like moss,
seeps underground,
with time grows all over you.

It wears different colors,
likes to be bothered.
It feels everything,
and nothing at all.

It comes and go's,
will teach you to cope,
to not forget hope.

 Loss has a beginning,
and if you let it,
no end.

-M




  

Stages.

I wish you were here to see who I have become.

I wish you could see the holes and fill them with your full hands and big smile.

I wish you would be the one to hold my heart when I have lost who I am, because you always understood the true parts of me.

I wish you would settle me, encourage me, and teach me to fight for people who would fight for me.

I wish you could help me understand more of this love thang, I have a hard time trusting myself in it.

I wish you could hug him.

Tell him how loved he is and will always be,
You were so good at that.

I hope that you see me, living my life day by day and embracing people as much as my heart can take.

I hope you see me being imperfect, but fighting for more.

I know you are proud.

I know you would love him.

I know you wish all these things too...

-M

A long time ago.

When I was younger;
I saw your face,
I went my own way,
I came to realize its not all a game.

When I was younger;
I began to pray,
you went away,
I figured out how to be okay.

When I became older;
I cried when needed,
I held tight to what seeded,
found out some meaning.

Now that I am older,
I feel way more,
I forgive a little faster,
I think on when I was younger,
to cope with all the unknowns.

-M

I'll be your guide.

There are many songs.
There are only a few songs that come at me like a runaway train.
They remind me how to feel, to never stop accessing those parts of myself that got me to where I am, right now.
I am thankful for those songs, without them, I might forget just how to stop. And listen.


"Passenger Seat"

I roll the window down
And then begin to breathe in
The darkest country road
And the strong scent of evergreen
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

Then looking upwards
I strain my eyes and try
To tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
From the passenger seat as you are driving me home.

"do they collide?" 
I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash
The world doesn't matter.

When you feel embarrassed then i'll be your pride
When you need directions then i'll be the guide
For all time. 
For all time.

-Death Cab for Cutie

-M

Facing.

There is this type of pain that can only be defeated if faced head on. " The only way to get through it is to go through it." They say.
It's a testament of strength to acknowledge and then pursue such heartache with your eyes wide open. My Heart is breaking but I know the only way to let go, is to go through it. So I am going to do exactly that.

-M


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Gates.

Time hurry up and heal these wounds of mine because I can't shake these honest lies, I can't break these growing vines. You say that life can't be fixed overnight, well come and sing me a lullaby cause' I can't feel much tonight. I am a man in a tunnel with no light at the end so do me a favor and make it all end so I can tend to a better life. Go on judging me, acting like you know me, your time will come at those judgment gates, with nail marked hands and murderer slapped across your face.
-M

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone