Not You and Me.

It's happening again,
the pain seeps into every scent,
I am calling you my friend,
but I am starting to think thats a start to the end,
I didn't want you to be the imposture,
I just wanted you to see what I can foster,
cause love comes at a pace thats not you and me.

It's like the trees in the winter,
they have nothing to offer,
I am settling all my sins,
cause I want a life well lived,
your afraid of the creature within,
but your really afraid of losing him,
cause I know what's like to make pain your friend.

I can still hear your whispers,
there like a rush of cold water,
I am stretching out my hands,
to pull up all the rocks you left on my land,
although I might be more exposed,
it will allow for more needed growth,
cause I am tired of excusing all of your mistakes,
and I am tired thinking about you when it gets late...


-M

Chances.

I never was good at saying no. Listening to my heart has gotten me this far that I might as well follow its lead. I prepared my heart for this, for the imperceptible electric energy that only bystanders can sense but  can not warn because the force alone blinds those affected by it. The second you said my name, I feel back into you. How foolish I was to think I could tell my heart no. The distance made it easier, I didn't see you, talk to you, hear about you, so to me there was no you. But there you were standing on my friends back porch, with your denim shirt and your cheeky smile, I had no where to run but back into you. We kept our hearts at a distance for insurance purposes and but sacrificed our souls because kissing you kept me connected even if only for a minute, I could feel your heart. I never knew I could fall for someone so deeply in a month. I guess I thought it was possible, but the distance you have to dig to pull me out usually sends most people straight to the hospital for exhaustion. You made it seem flawlessly simple and still kept me around. I questioned you on everything, because I didn't trust you. I guess the thought of this expiring soon in the back of my head made me think it was in the back of yours too, but it wasn't. You were living in the moment and that lead me to live with you there, and what I found in those places were happiness, and peace. I just wanted you no matter what you were feeling, I knew holding you outside on my front porch was what I was looking for in the moment and that was enough. Those moments have passed and been made into memories but as you readjust into melbourne and as I try to find a new normal we took a risk and found ourselves loving each other across seas. I hold your words like they are the world, and imagine you holding me while saying them. Fear swarms my mind like bees to a nest but fear has never won and will not win now. My strength is too experienced to be pulled apart know, I just need to remember that on these summer nights and begin to face reality and know that you can exist in it. Day by day I will walk with you because I like you enough to want to love you.


-M

Water.

You take me out just to break me in,

but your folly is that you can see the end.

Shocked me like wave, it tore down all my shame

but it came back to haunt me anyways.

You follow me around like smoke after flames,
One thought collapses while another relapses,
and I am getting better at dodging hearts,
so I don't have to restart.

These waves consume the breath left in me,
cause these lungs are too filled to breath so freely.
You walked right through, these waves that consume,
and breathed living life back in me.

I swam alongside you, to try and hide from you,
but you have walked these waters before,
and have seen the swaying storms.
So I swam behind you instead,
and surrendered my struggling sight.

Surrendering was the best thing I could have done.

-M

Snowballs.

I walk outside and find icicles forming, hanging on by the breeze of 30 degree weather, while the barren trees bow like princes in the middle east. There are many instantaneous thoughts that occur within the span of 20 minute walk, up and down these exhausted trails trying to find some relief from these fears of mine. My beliefs build like sand dunes during hurricane season and I can't seem to let the rushing waters in. I could built a fort in the middle of the mountain and throw leaves in a fire and watch them crackle like confetti but they would just blow away. You throw your jokes around like I throw myself down, cause making me feel stupid gives you control, but these trails I have never walked before. You care enough about me to want to walk ahead of me but your direction is stained from your lack of highs and the your resistance of no's, so don't think for a second I would follow you into the dark. Your truthful signs light your path to understanding but darling you hold me back from ever being able to change the light bulbs. I can't stop dropping myself on and off from you, just stop taking back what you say, cause I will run, straight into the snowy mountains where everything will snowball right back to you.

-M

Seams.

 This pattern has stitching that many can't sew,
it feeds on decrepit threads that are scattered like crows.
The edges are burned from ancient desires,
and all that remains are the ashes of liars.

It stretches you out to challenge your dreams,
while picking at details that lay in your seams.
One needle runs circles all in the fabric,
the other sporadic with all its safe antics.

As the design starts to unravel,
my heart is spreads gravel,
to make it harder for you to dabble in,
cause' these needles are picking away at my skin.

-M

92.

You sucked me dry of all my highs and sank me softly to the ground, where all my fates collide. My blood is young, But my these eyes are aged and have seen some heartache, so stop bracing me for a fall that has no break, isn't this all just a game anyways?

Your dreams are made, mine are still forgiving so I hope and I pray and I hope that somehow yours will align with mine. But I am young, how could You let me forget, I don't know what life is about, why don't you look at your own heart before you start throwing darts. You older now and just as lost, I found mine the day I gave it up. Your easier read than done and I am still trying not to get bored from reading the same book twice.

-M

Floating.

I find myself diving into a pool of uncertainty. My muscles ache as my backstroke breaks into just a stroke and my arms collide with the side to find some relief. Sometimes floating is alright, it is a relief from the consant treading to keep yourself afloat from all the water that would drown you, but at least when your drowning you see more clearly. You trust the water enough to let it hold you, let it sit under you and take you upstream or downstream or wherever because you trust it. Trusting someone you just met isn't foolish, it's a risk. Sometimes you take risks to see the outcomes, other times you take risks because its a peep hole into what you can take. You were all I could take. I see it all to clearly still, I feel like I am drowning. I was just trusting the water again, learning to float, then you made a splash and drowned me.

You drowned me and didn't save me. I won't make that mistake again.

-M